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Lunatic Ravings!
I was hoping to write a positive piece on a gentleman who was going to sue his son's youth hockey league because his so did not win the MVP award, but I can't since I have no information about it. I had a pen and paper ready to write down the pertinent facts when the piece aired, but the doorbell rang and I had no choice but to answer the door since whoever was ringing the bell knew someone was home since the television volume was turned up. Good thing that I answered the door since the person there looked like someone who belonged on that HBO show about that dysfunctional family in New Jersey. You know, the type of person you really don't want to fuck with. This gentleman introduced himself as Ray, a member of the neighborhood board. According to his sheet of paper, we had been fined $25.00 by The Fourth Reich, aka American Family Real Estate, who claimed that our backyard was not landscaped. I invited Ray to inspect our backyard so that he could explain to me how 8 tons of lemon pepper rock in the back yard was not considered landscaping. I was really, really nice to him since I didn't want to wake up one morning with the head of Black Beauty in the bed next to me. So he checked out the backyard and agreed that, yes indeed, it WAS landscaped. He told me to "forget about" the fine and that he would take care of The Fourth Reich. He then told me that it would be advisable that I attend the homeowner's meeting the next day. Of course I found something better to do the next day and didn't attend the meeting. This was a mistake on my part since you don't lie to someone like Ray, which I found out the hard way when I found a package on my front porch the next day. In the package was the head of Paul, the head of the Fourth Reich with a note pinned to his tongue that stated: "You could have been there to save this man's life but you weren't. Don't let this happen again or things will get much worse." Now I have this hanging over me, but I am still being positive about the whole situation. I figure that the worst that could happen would be the complete annihilation of The Fourth Reich which would be a very good thing. Remember, November 24th is my birthday and I don't receive many presents so it's up to you to make me happy. COMING NEXT: I analyze something. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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