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Lunatic Ravings!

Lunatic Ravings - 10/07/02
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday

Utopia---"Utopia"


I received an email from someone claiming to be my mom, so I fired back with a sarcastic reply and then felt very sad.

It couldn't have been my mom since she disappeared a long time ago. Or so said my dad, right before he left. I was awarded as a prize to my dad's parents who died less then a year later in a boating "accident" so I was then awarded to my mom's parents.

Soon it was only my grandmother who was raising me since grandfather suffered a serious "accident" while golfing.

From my grandmother I learned that I was actually adopted. According to her, my birth mother wanted me to have a better life than she could offer so she put me in a basket and pushed me downstream.

I floated down the stream for a couple of days until I was spotted by a group of bathing naked vixens. They found me to be really cute so they took me from the basket and brought me to a castle.

The king who lived in the castle thought I was cute enough to be prince material, but the queen didn't think so.

When the king passed out that night from eating too much mutton and drinking too much wine, the queen took me back to the stream and put me into a new basket and pushed me downstream.

Again I floated for a few days until I was spotted by a woman who was washing clothes in the stream. She figured she could put me to work if/when I grew up, so I was brought home where I did grow up and always assumed she was my real mother until her disappearance.

According to my grandmother, my mother left since she was a government operative who had been called back to work to fight the communists. She was only supposed to be gone for a year but was busted in Turkey for something and was thrown in a Turkish prison where she supposedly remains to this day.

So that email couldn't be from my mother since there are no computers in Turkish prisons. Plus, I've changed my name so some very bad people can't find me, so there's no way that she could know where I am.

Now everybody knows my family history and I hope the rat bastard who sent me the email claiming to be my mom is happy with themselves. I hope they die in an "accident".


COMING NEXT: Bitterness still prevails.


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snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com

 

 

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