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	Lunatic Ravings Maculate Conception Ask Bob Chick Shit for Chick Chicks Write to Stephen! Lunatic Ravings 2002 Visit the Archives!!! Join Us!		Lunatic Ravings! Lunatic Ravings - 09/30/02 By Stephen Johnson Published each Monday UFO---"Sharks" If you haven't noticed, the "Chick Shit for Chic Chicks" has completely changed for the better! I'm sure some of you haven't read anything posted there for a year or so since it was absolute shit. Rest assured those days are over and "Chick Shit..." is much, much better. So go ahead and take a few minutes out of your busy schedule to read the last few columns and you'll find yourself pleasantly surprised, or maybe not. And there's my needless pandering for the week. On to the reader email!!!! Joe B. from Lansing, MI: "I am supposed to write a report for school about how rain and lightening happens. I'm too lazy to do any research and I don't want to ask Bob. Can you help?" I sure can!! Rain is caused by airplanes. There is a common misconception that the toilets are emptied every time the plane lands. This is not true. The toilet is emptied into the sky every time the toilet is flushed. Urine and poop contain many minerals and metals and clouds are actually huge, puffy magnets. The urine and poop become attached to the clouds and when the clouds are weighted down by this human waste, the urine and poop start to leak from the cloud. Since clouds are so high, the poop takes a liquid form when it falls through the atmosphere. Urine is already in a liquid form, so it retains it's form as it falls from the sky. Hail is actually the poop that has not actually reached the liquid stage, but has been cleaned by the fall through the atmosphere. Snow is basically clean diarrhea. Lightening is something that was devised by the guvment to strike lazy children dead. Melissa P. from Unknown: "Please help me." No. Joseph R. from Orlando, FL: "I have a burn mark in my lawn that looks just like the Virgin Mary. Now hundreds of people come from all over the world to pray and offer me money. What should I do?" Don't panic! Remember that those that are coming to view your lawn are stupid, lifeless humans! These are the easiest people to take advantage (and money) from. As long as you cut me in to some of the profits, I would be more than happy to send you an outline of Jesus that you can trace onto another part of your lawn. Hey, if you've got the time, I've also got outlines of all the apostles. You would need a big lawn to fit them all in, but we're talking some serious money here. There's others that I could answer but I don't want to. This takes up a good chunk of my weekend and I do have a life. I answered three and that's good enough for me so that is damn sure good enough for you. If you want to bitch and moan, write to the webmaster. Like he has any power over me. I do what I want when I want and that's that. COMING NEXT: Fuck the webmaster. Figuratively of course. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com     Send Email Archives

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