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Lunatic Ravings!
So, I take a couple of weeks off in order to find myself and/or to try to live the life of a professional gambler, but it all ended up as a major headache. I went to a well known casino and watched people gamble on the slot machines. I wanted to get the winning feeling and knew there was something that I wasn't doing correctly since I hadn't won for a very long time. The one thing that stood out was the people who rubbed their hands on the front of the slot machine. I suppose this was for luck but is probably some sort of southern voodoo shit that I don't know about. I watched an old lady do this and bingo!, she won the jackpot. Since I had never rubbed any part of my body against a slot machine, I figured that this was definitely what I was doing wrong, so I found a machine and rubbed my hands all over the machine and then put 20 bucks in. I lost. Quickly. I sat back and thought about this and decided that maybe I shouldn't be running my hands over the front of the machine but maybe some other body part. So I kicked of my shoes and rubbed my feet all over the slot machine. Another 20 bucks went in when I was done and I started to gamble. Yet I lost. Again. Quickly. I was getting a little pissed off at this point. My hands didn't work, nor did my feet. Maybe I needed to use something that was wet, so I licked the front of the machine from top to bottom then put in another 20 bucks. (As a little side note, don't EVER try licking a slot machine. It tastes bad.) Again I lost. Not as quickly, but quickly enough. I was stymied. All the people around were rubbing their hands on the machines and winning, yet I was coming up with shit. Drastic times call for drastic measures, so I pulled down my pants and rubbed my ass all over the slot machine. (Now you know why you should NEVER, EVER lick a slot machine.) When I was done, I put another 20 bucks in, pulled up my pants and started gambling again. Lost. Quickly. Bummed. I had no choice so I whipped IT out and starting pounding and rubbing the machine with IT while screaming, "WIN YOU FUCKER, WIN!" This attracted security and imagine what they thought when they found a grown man slamming his dick against a slot machine. I guess it isn't good for business since I was dragged out of the casino and told to never come back again. I guess I won't become a professional gambler. I guess I'll have to get a real job. That sucks. COMING NEXT: Back to the reader email!! Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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