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Lunatic Ravings!
When I first heard that Lance Bass of 'N Sync wanted to be shot into space, I figured it was just a delusional retard speaking from their ass. So I basically blew it off, figuring that there was no way in hell that a member from an untalented skidmark in the complete history of music would ever get the chance to go into space. But, even though I simply adore the Russians, they lost a little bit of my respect by granting Lance's request. Maybe they're trying to get back at us since we didn't embrace Gorky Park like we did with other country's hair metal bands from the 80's. As I thought about Lance in space, I began believing that the Russians were going to do something with him when he is orbiting around the earth. Maybe they were going to shoot him out of the air lock when he was sleeping. Or maybe they were going to accidentally disconnect him from his line when he went out for his space walk. Those would both be good for the moment, but in the long run they would be bad. Since all the boy bands aren't as popular as they once were, what better way to have sympathy, which equals sales which equals money, then to have a member of your group die? Imagine what would happen when the word got out that Lance blew up while farting around with an antenna outside of the ship. The surviving members of 'N Sync would have no choice but to release a tribute album and go on a Farewell to Lance tour. All the pre-pubescent girls would be spending all their money again on 'N Sync products because it was so sad when, during every show of the farewell tour, the whole group broke down in tears AT THE SAME TIME (due to awesome choreography) that it just tugged at the hearts of everyone. And then the dominoes would start falling. A member of The Backstreet Boys would want to know what it would feel like to be a member of the Australian Mafia and would be shot to death by a rogue member of the Save the Kangaroo Foundation. Why this would happen, I have no idea, but it could. One of the boys from 98 Degrees would want to experience life as a garbage collector, but would accidentally be crushed to death in the garbage truck when he accidentally fell in trying to save a perfectly good Barbie from destruction. And it would probably extend to the girls too. Mandy Moore would become a porn queen for a day, get hooked on drugs and drive her BMW into a shiny gas tanker because it looked so pretty. Jessica Simpson would be the youngest female to climb Mount Everest only to fall when the cameraman accidentally whacks her upside the head with the telephoto lens. He becomes a multi millionaire because he is a professional and has hundreds of shots of Jessica falling off the mountain, and some really good action shots of her bouncing off rocks and ice on her way down. And Britney will become a saint like Mother Theresa and breast feed all the starving children in all the third world countries. This doesn't kill her, but it really kills her career since her once perky breasts will be, well, not so perky any more. We have all this and more due to Lance Bass going into space. If you want to thank someone, just go to your local Radio Shack and thank any employee. They'll be happy for the business. COMING NEXT: Something else again. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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