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Lunatic Ravings!
It's been a couple of weeks since I have written anything new and it can all be blamed on a week long trip back to the Midwest. When I saw my first cornfield in over 2 years, something happened and I lost all sense of time and self. I think there really are children of the corn and I was abducted from my hotel room as some sort of pagan ritual and forced to perform some sort of Midwestern corn dance that caused me to forget how to use anything electrical and relearn basic words and sentence structures. I finally came to my senses when I found myself going to the bathroom outside, even though I was home. Even though I couldn't find an outhouse in our backyard, I managed to fertilize the garden, which caused a huge growth rate among the vegetables and flowers but didn't endear me to my neighbors who called the cops and I was soon arrested for indecent exposure. I was appointed a wise lawyer who explained to the judge that I was just coming down from a "Midwestern high" and didn't know any better. I was fined $8.00 and had to perform two hours of community service, which gave me time to gather my senses and return to normal. Now I'm back. Therefore, I will answer reader email. Doreen M. from Los Angeles, CA: "Maybe you can help me. I am a colege student and really like the bar seen but I have racked up a lot of charges on my parent's credit cards. What should I do?" Maybe first you can try and attend those basic English classes offered by your college. If you still find that you can't grasp the written part of the language, take your brilliant self to an ATM machine and rob it. According to your small mind, there's a little old man who sits in the ATM machine all day dispensing cash. If you hold a gun up to the camera (usually located above the computer screen) this will scare the old man shitless and he will start dispensing all the money he has. If this fails, try to get ahold of the credit card bill before your parents see it. On the back of the portion you mail back to the credit card company, there might be a rectangle with the words "Do not write in this section" located in the middle. Go ahead and write "This credit card has no balance or outstanding charges" or something to that effect in the rectangle. this will confuse the credit card company's computer when it scans the bill and all charges will be erased, and the outstanding balance will be $0.00. This trick can be used on electric bills, gas bills, cable bills, etc. Mark H. from Salem, OR: "Why are you so negative? Do you have a mental problem?" No, the one who has a mental problem is your sister who sits around all day watching TV Land as the drool drips from the corner of her mouth. (My response should brighten your day since it wasn't negative. It was only mean.) Lydia M. in Montclair, NJ: "There is no way that there can be a real person named Melissa Paternik with a life that messed up. I think it's all made up." Okay. And now I'm hungry so off I go. COMING NEXT: I can prove that I really, really care. Email Stephen! snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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