Tommy Shaw---"7 Deadly Zens"
I have received quite a few emails asking about the problems between Bob and Melissa. I really don't know what's
going on between them but I doknow that they have done the nasty quite a few times so anything is possible.
Besides, my time has been spent with Jerome and our new religion. Killing Jerome at this time is out of the question
since he is doing a fantastic job of recruiting followers. He did bring up a good point about our religion needing
something like the ten commandments so our flock could have some set of rules to follow.
I went ahead and checked out the original commandments and found them to be a bit too harsh. For one thing, the
word "commandments" is a scary word and we don't want our flock to be scared.
According to the original commandments, nobody is supposed to work on Sunday. If they do, they should be put to
death. If someone followed through with this then the population of the US would shrink by about 50%. But, they're
allowed to live so I guess they will eventually burn in hell.
Our religion doesn't care when you work or where you work. You gotta survive and we support those people who get
out of bed every day in order to go to work.
So here's a list of our "commandments" or "Stuff you shouldn't
do unless you have a really, really good reason to."
| 1) |
Don't take your neighbor's lawn mower or power tools before asking, unless they piss
you off by having parties all hours of the night every day of every week. Then it's okay. |
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| 2) |
Don't have sex with your neighbor's spouse unless they're swingers and you are too.
Then it's okay. |
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| 3) |
Don't call the cops and tell them your neighbor has a meth lab in their basement
unless you're doing it as a practical joke. Then it's okay. |
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| 4) |
Don't perform sexual acts on animals be they dead or alive. At no time is this act
considered okay. |
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| 5) |
Don't kill. However, if you're cut off in traffic by an asshole, then you can because
it would be okay. |
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| 6) |
Use our lord's name in vain. He/she appreciates it when you speak of him/her. |
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| 7) |
Worship who or what you want. If it makes you happy, go for it. |
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And there you go. Seven minor rules to try and follow. That's three less than
the original so there's a lot less stress with our faithful. When people aren't bogged down by a bunch of rules
they have to make sure to follow, then they're happier and perform better.
My times up. I have to go and pray to Bat Boy.
COMING NEXT: If you send
us money, what would we do with it? This and other questions are answered!!
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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