Peter Gabriel---"Shaking the Tree: Sixteen Golden Greats"
We have sitting around here at theweirdcrap.com trying to figure out ways to fuck with Melissa, fuck with Bob and
fuck with religion.
The way the clergy is acting today, soon there will be nobody going to church for fear of getting fondled in some
dirty degenerate way and that means that there would be no more church bake sales or bingo which would turn the
older folk into criminals since, without bingo especially, they will have nothing to look forward to on Tuesday
nights.
So, to hopefully stop the inevitable, we have decided to start a new religion. We will offer the same old shit
like prayer and singing, but with a difference:
We don't know who you would be praying to. Yet.
What better place to start this new religion but Sin City? The people who live and visit Las Vegas are in serious
need of saving and since there are people from all over the world, our word can be spread to all corners off the
world with minimal expense on our part.
And the best thing about this is that it has started already!! We thought about who would be the best leader of
this new religion and by unanimous decision it was decided that Jerome would be the one and true leader.
This works out great for those who are afraid of being fondled since Jerome has no sex drive whatsoever. He's like
a cardboard box and only exists because someone hasn't destroyed him yet.
With Jerome in place, we bought him a first class ticket on Greyhound and off he went to Las Vegas. (Wait a minute.
First class on Greyhound? True, it doesn't exist, but we managed to save Jerome the seat closest to the bathroom
so it's kind of like first class.)
When Jerome reached Vegas, he immediately went to work. As he stood on a busy street corner, he sung hymns and
shouted out prayers. True, these prayers and hymns were the same ones praising "God", but we haven't
had time to come up with our own hymns or prayers. Besides, copying something is flattering, or so we've been told.
Nobody was interested in stopping and listening to Jerome pray and sing. Obviously something was missing and Bob
came up with the idea of offering alcohol to the passerby's, so we had Jerome buy a couple of bottles of cheap
wine.
Now Jerome was standing on the corner singing and praying and offering sips of cheap wine. This worked a little
better than before since people actually had to stop to drink the wine but, when they were done, they would just
walk away.
Back to the drawing board we went and came to the conclusion that drink, prayer and singing weren't enough obviously).
Food would also be needed.
We thought and thought about this until I remembered a candy that everyone loves. We had Jerome purchase as much
as he could and back to the street corner he went.
Even if people are sick or turned off by something (like their current religion), when something is offered to
take its place, the people want to keep a few aspects of the thing being replaced so they can feel a little but
comfortable.
The people love the prayers, hymns and wine, but they weren't comfortable with our religion when free food, especially
something wafer-shaped, wasn't offered.
But when Jerome started handing out those Necco Wafers, we had them literally eating out of our hands, through
Jerome, and promising allegiance to our beliefs, whatever they might be. We have given them comfort and peace and
haven't asked for a dime in return.
Sure, Jerome's the puppet and we are the puppet masters. True, we might get bored with our religion and end it
just like that, leaving a lot of people depressed and out in the cold. But, for the time being, we are here and
we care. That's all that matters.
COMING NEXT: Should we
kill Jerome? All religions need a martyr........
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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