AC/DC---"Who Made Who"
Sometimes in life a dilemma is thrown your way and you have to decide which is the best course to take. Sometimes
you make the right choice and sometimes the wrong choice, but it's a learning process no matter which choice you
take.
My dilemma happened this past Saturday when I was supposed to pick Bob up at the airport for the "annual business
meeting". That's what he calls it when, in fact, it just gives him the opportunity to hook up with some free
liquor and cheap hookers with a little gambling on the side.
I had every intention on picking him up at the airport even though it would have been much better if he decided
to spend a little money once in his life and get a rental car. But, nice guy that I am, I decided I could pick
him up so he could save that rental car money and put it into something more useful like those hookers and that
liquor.
But, sometimes weird shit happens and it happened that day when I passed a casino that was advertising a Festival
of Mayo. I pride myself on my mayo knowledge and figured that Bob could wait and that he would understand if I
was a few hours or even a few days late.
I drove to the nearest grocery store and went to the salad dressing aisle so that I cold pick up a new jar of mayo.
None of that Miracle Whip shit for me, I needed the real stuff especially since it was a festival, so I picked
up my favorite, Kraft Real Mayonnaise.
I headed back to the casino with my contribution to the festival. I had never been to a mayo festival ever, so
I was a little bit giddy with excitement, so much so that I almost wet myself two or three times.
When I hit the casino parking lot, I finally did wet myself, but was too pumped up to really care. I parked my
car and ran to the entrance of the casino proudly clutching my jar of mayonnaise, all thoughts of Bob and my wet
pants totally forgotten.
When the doorman opened the front door for me, I waved my jar of mayo in his face and told him that I would do
my damndest to make it the best mayo festival ever, but he must have already worked a long shift because he only
smiled and didn't say a word.
I wandered around the casino for a while but didn't notice anything to do with a mayonnaise festival. But, since
it was only 5 am, I figured that even something as important as a mayo festival wouldn't start that early, so I
found a slot machine with a good view of the whole casino so when the festival started, I would be one of the first
attendees.
I gambled and drank for a few hours and then I had the familiar urge of having to pee come over me. I thought about
it for a little while and decided that wetting yourself once a day isn't that bad, but twice would definitely make
you smell bad so I would have to use the bathroom. I didn't want to lose my seat, so I unscrewed the lid of the
mayo, dipped my fingers in the jar and lifted out a large wad of the lovely white creamy substance. After looking
around to make sure I wasn't being watched, I rubbed the mayo all over the slot machine until it was completely
covered and then off to the bathroom I went.
It was a good pee. After I was done I realized how good life really was and then went back to my machine. (You
might be asking yourself if I washed my hands and I can honestly tell you "No" since we're in a water
crisis and I am doing my part for the environment so get of your high horse and leave me alone.)
There was a bunch of people standing around my machine and I thought that they were admiring my handiwork with
the mayo. Maybe they were judging my handiwork and I would win first prize or something due to my artistic use
of the Kraft Mayonnaise, but no, of course that wasn't it at all.
Casino managers are very uptight and don't like people messing with their machines especially when spreadable food
products are involved. Casino managers also can have you barred from a casino for life, and they can also have
you escorted from the casino without your jar of spreadable food product with a stern warning that if you're ever
seen anywhere near the casino property, security has the authority to terminate with extreme prejudice.
So now it's early Monday morning and I missed the mayo festival due to poor judgement and Bob might still be waiting
for me at the airport. It might look like I made the wrong choice on Saturday, but I didn't learn anything and
I could care less about Bob and his whoring ways so everything worked out perfectly for me.
COMING NEXT: I answer
email?
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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