Led Zeppelin---"Houses of the Holy"
I went to a local grocery store this past Saturday since I had a craving for some non-healthy edible product. Since
I only had three items. I figured I would go to the express lane. So did a couple of those Mormon folks.
At first I thought they were a couple of computer geek kids since they really didn't look like the typical Mormon.
Maybe the white shirts and dark blue/black pants should have given me a hint, but my guard was down.
As I waited behind these two people, I checked out the covers of some of the tabloids and found not a hell of a
lot of interesting armageddon shit happening, but bat boy was back and that gave me a groovy type of feeling. I
finally tired of looking at Oprah on the last edition of "O" magazine, so I looked at what the two guys
in front of me were buying. Everything was either generic or store brand products, from the shredded cheese to
the toaster pastries. So what, big deal, store brand shredded cheese really isn't that bad.
Then one of the white shirted men turned and I saw a badge pinned on the pocket. A cold sweat broke out in my groin
when I saw that one of these two people was an elder in that lovely Mormon church.
Suddenly my groin dried up. A sickening emotional thought entered my mind that I tried to push away but, no matter
how hard I tried, it kept coming back. I was feeling PITY for these two people, because they give so much money
to their church so they can marry off their women at such a young age in order to be impregnated by good Mormon
sperm and, because of their lack of money, they could not afford a simple luxury like original Pop Tarts.
When I got home, I was still feeling pity, so I tried to drown it out with alcohol, but after awhile I was still
feeling the pity only this time I was crying too.
Now I'm an emotional wreck. I don't know if this pity feeling is just something to show that I'm human, or if it's
the start of me getting Mormonized. Either way, it scares me and I guess I'm just fucked.
By the way, if you're Mormon and you've read this and feel offended, give me a break. I might be one of you soon,
so be a good brother or sister and round me up 3 or 4 of your fine women . I can then marry them and have round
the clock sex with them so they could squirt out bunches of little Stephens.
COMING NEXT: I answer
more email!
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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