Winger---"Pull"
In response to Bob's latest column where he claims that I'm a chronic masturbator, wouldn't that mean that maybe
as I write this I'm pounding my pud? And, if I am, would you think less of me?
Or maybe Bob's a complete moron and you shouldn't believe anything he says. It's up to you to decide. Remember,
though, if a man doesn't masturbate occasionally, his testicles can swell up to the size of grapefruits which can
be quite uncomfortable, so if I am masturbating right now I'm not embarrassed and neither should you be because
I am only doing it for my health.
Speaking of masturbating, I was reading issue #646 of "Entertainment Weekly" while in the bathroom when
I came across an article that deeply disturbed me.
Now, before you jump to conclusions, I was NOT masturbating to "Entertainment Weekly". That magazine
just happens to be my bathroom reading material since "Reader's Digest" bores me.
Anyway, I was enjoying my mid-afternoon bowel emptying when I started reading an article about Courtney Love. I
don't know why there would even be an article about her since she's kind of worthless, but I guess it was a slow
news week and they needed to fill the pages with something.
I guess I was supposed to feel sorry for Courtney because she got caught up in the nasty clutches of drugs again
following 9/11. But I didn't feel sorry for some reason, figuring that she's a druggie and she needs to blame her
problem on something instead of maybe admitting the problem is with herself. Hey, it's Courtney and she's a whacky
chick!
I continued emptying my bowels and read a bit more of the article finding out that she wants out of her record
contract because, among other reasons, the record company didn't promote Hole's "Celebrity Skin" album
to he liking. I guess it never dawned on her that maybe the record, gosh, I don't know, sucked? Remember though,
it's Courtney and she's a whacky chick!
My problems started happening when I read a bit further. A fairly large turd was inching its way out of my body
when I came to the part where Courtney was sitting on the toilet peeing while her assistant was putting diamond
earrings in her ears.
That turd never made it's way out of my body because my rectum reverse clenched causing the turd to shoot it's
way back into my body. I could feel it crawling back up inside of me but figured that I could squeeze it out at
a later time, hopefully while I was reading more about Courtney, who's a whacky chick!
I continued doing my business while I read on. I was a bit confused because only little shit nuggets were popping
out of me, and I couldn't figure out how they bypassed the big turd, and then I came to the part where Courtney
was asking her sick daughter about her visit to the doctor.
Courtney, that whacky mom, didn't know when her daughter last visited the doctor to check on her cough. Courtney
didn't know what the results of her daughter's X rays were. Courtney didn't know if her daughter was on antibiotics.
Courtney DID tell her daughter not to swallow what she coughed up but to spit it out. Ah, Courtney, you're such
a wild, whacky, caring mom!!
On I read as the nuggets kept shooting out. I could feel the big one start it's downward movement again and I figured
it would only be a few more minutes and then I could wipe and get on with my day.
Of course that never happened because I came to the part where Courtney was in a limo going to the detox center
when they passed a fast food restaurant. She asked the driver to turn in and then told him that he had to go in
to the restaurant to get her and her partner something to eat. Oh, Courtney, you waste of human flesh!
At this point my body went completely into poop shutdown. Nothing more was coming out, so flung the magazine aside,
wiped my ass six times, jumped off the toilet and went immediately into the shower where I stood and furiously
masturbated until I was no longer tense.
COMING NEXT: Courtney's
response? Yeah, right.
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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