Alice Cooper---"Brutal Planet"
I am a pissed off motherfucker right now.
In most cases, calling someone a motherfucker is supposed to be demeaning, but in my case it's not since I had
sex with a chick who had a kid, so I'm not demeaning myself. It justs sounds better to say I'm a "pissed of
motherfucker" instead of just "pissed off", but that's really besides the point and I really need
you to pay attention and not try to get my off track.
I have always been under the impression that commercials are real and that the people selling the products really
believe in the product or work for the company or both.
I was seriously contemplating picking up some Progressive insurance since they seemed to have their shit together.
I liked the fact that they showed actual people that worked for the company in the commercial telling me how good
the company was and how I would benefit by having Progressive insurance. The topper was the Asian lady with blonde
hair. I figured that any company that showed who worked for the company no matter how out of place they looked
was a reputable company and good enough for my hard earned dollars.
Imagine my surprise when I saw this same lady in a commercial for a investment firm a few days later. That's right,
I was lied to by Progressive!! Miss blonde Asian lady was an actress hired by Progressive because they obviously
did not want us to see what kind of people actually work for the company.
This ruined\ my belief in television and now I don't know who I can trust, which has me completely pissed off (like
a motherfucker). And when I'm pissed off, I shop.
So I went to the new Sears store because they have lots of power tools to play around with. When I was heading
back to the tool department, I saw a guy standing in front of a refrigerator with a dog that could have been a
terrior or a german shephard. It's sometimes hard to tell the two apart.
Anyway, the dog was wearing something that looked like a saddle. On the saddle was written 'Don't play with me,
I'm working." This made me a bit curious so I hung around to see what was happening.
The guy was talking to a couple of people and I immediately saw that he was a complete prick. He was telling the
people that when he goes into a restaurant, the dog doesn't make a sound and sits under the table without moving
or begging while he eats his meal. The guy wasn't blind so I had no idea what the purpose the dog had, but I had
to do something so I decided to free the dog from the clutches of Mr. Dickhead.
Soon the guy was done with his story and I followed him and the dog. When they entered the tool section, I made
my move.
I grabbed a pair of scissors from a shelf and walked over to them. I pretended I was looking for something and
bumped into the man, while deftly cutting the leash. The dog didn't move so I screamed "Run, damnit, run!!"
The guy started screaming at the dog to stay while I was screaming at it to run. The dog looked confused for a
moment then it ran.
I followed the dog but it's freedom was short lived since it decided to jump into the midst of a crowd of people
watching a table saw demonstration. I heard a tiny yelp and then saw a red geyser shoot up a good eight feet over
the head of the crowd. A few of the people watching the demonstration fainted so I figured I had made my point
and it probably was as good a time as any to leave.
So I did.
NEXT WEEK: I shall confess
my sins?
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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