Yes---"Going for the One"
After a few weeks of serious debating, I was finally picked as the one to pick up Jerome from jail. We kind of
took our sweet time coming to this decision since he has been out of jail for 3 weeks, but we had more serious
matters to deal with and it's Jerome I'm talking about.
I picked him up at the bus stop in front of the state pen and he looked no worse for wear. Sure, he was missing
his shoes but they obviously were given to someone more deserving than Jerome and I am almost positive that Jesus
didn't have shoes and look how he turned out.
Jerome was actually quite happy because he overheard someone at the bus stop talking about Johnnie Cochran and
friends trying to get restitution from companies whose forefathers were slave owners. Jerome was thrilled since
he feels he is going to come into some serious money, and I can't blame him for being happy.
But, if Jerome can possibly get some money from something that happened well over 100 hundred years ago, why can't
I?
Maybe because of my forefathers, I am missing out on something. Maybe if my father hadn't disappeared while flying
through the Bermuda Triangle I would not have turned into a cynical, fatherless child.
So, I might as well ask for restitution from the Wright brothers descendants. Their forefathers are the ones who
invented the flying vehicle and, because of them, my poppa is fish food.
I could actually take this a step further and blame Leonardo da Vinci, who also had ideas about a thingy with wings
that could take a human into the sky. Since Leonardo died a long time ago, this would mean more descendants and
should mean more money coming my way.
But fuck it! To really look at the big picture, I should go all the way back to the beginning and demand restitution
from all the descendants of Adam and Eve. This means I will be entitled to money from everyone on this planet because
we are all descendants from Adam and Eve, but it also means that we are all related so we are all committing incest
which is kind of sick yet erotic in a perverted sort of way.
If we actually evolved from a creature from the sea or apes, then I'm basically fucked since it's kind of insane
to demand restitution from a fish or an ape, so I'm just going to let it go and remain fatherless. No big deal.
COMING NEXT: What I've
always wanted!
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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