Pseudo Echo---"Race"
Late last week, I received a special delivery envelope. Thinking that is was my latest catalogue of porn merchandise,
I tore it open and was shocked at what I found.
It wasn't porn. It was much better than that.
It was the script for the final episode of "Friends".
I read it and was shocked at what is going to happen. There was a note attached asking that I not divulge what
was going to happen to anybody I knew, but I don't go for that shit so I'm going to let the whole world know the
fate of those "Friends".
There really is no set up in the script, so you might as well assume (as I did) that everything happens in one
of the apartments. All spelling errors are taken directly from the script, and anything that doesn't fit into the
current season of "Friends" is not my fault since this script doesn't lie.
(Ross, Chandler, Joey, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table in the
apartment)
CHANDLER: Anyone got any drugs?
(LAUGH TRACK)
MONICA: I'm horny. Joey, you wanna go to the bedroom?
JOEY: Huh?
(LAUGH TRACK)
ROSS: I'm in love!
MONICA: With me? You wanna go to the bedroom?
ROSS: Nooooooooo.
RACHEL: I wonder who's the daddy of my baby.
MONICA: Got me. You wanna go to the bedroom?
ROSS: Hey guys, I'm in love!
RACHEL: Gee, I hope it's not with me!!
ROSS: Noooooo.
MONICA: It's me, isn't it?
CHANDLER: Come on guys. Just give me some crack.
(LAUGH TRACK)
ROSS: Shut up Chandler! I've finally found the right someone for me
and......
(PHOEBE RUNS INTO THE ROOM)
PHOEBE: Hey guys, I've written a new song!! You wanna hear it?
ALL: No!
PHOEBE: Okay! Here goes!!!
Smelly pussy
I've got a smelly pussy
What am I to do
And why is it turning blue?
Oh, my smelly puuuusssssssyyyyyy!
(APPLAUSE/LAUGH TRACK)
MONICA: That was pretty stupid!
PHOEBE: Shut up you anorexic bitch!
JOEY: You guys gonna fight? I like it when women fight.
CHANDLER: Yeah, me too! Especially when I'm strung out on heroin.
(LAUGH TRACK)
ROSS: Wait a minute! I'm in love........hold on......what's that smell?
RACHEL: I just farted.
MONICA: Look at your belly!
RACHEL: Wow! I wasn't pregnant! It was just gas!!!
(LAUGH TRACK)
PHOEBE: That's all well and good, but I'm not done with you Monica!!
MONICA: Let's get it on!!
(A SHARP CRACK IS HEARD AND MONICA SLUMPS OVER THE TABLE, BLOOD SPURTING
FROM THE BACK OF HER HEAD)
PHOEBE: Uh, guys I did NOT do that.
(CHANDLER STARTS RUNNING AROUND THE APARTMENT)
CHANDLER: Oh boy, I should have paid for those drugs. I'm in big trouble now.
(LAUGH TRACK)
JOEY: Monica? Hey Monica, wake up!
PHOEBE: She's not going to wake up Joey. I am going to teach you about death with a song I wrote. Ready?
ALL: NO!
(ANOTHER CRACK AND PHOEBE IS FLUNG AGAINST A WALL OF THE APARTMENT. SHE
SLIDES DOWN THE WALL LEAVING A TRAIL OF BLOOD AND INTESTINES THAT HAVE EXITED HER BODY FROM THE MASSIVE HOLE IN
HER BACK)
JOEY: Phoebe? You okay?
(LAUGHTER)
RACHEL: Fuck 'em! Look at my hair! Isn't it perky?
CHANDLER: Did someone mention Wild Turkey?
(LAUGHTER)
ROSS: Guys, I think you oughta know something.........
CHANDLER: Man, I would give my left nut for some ludes.
(LAUGHTER)
JOEY: I used to know something. I think.
(SCRATCHING AT THE DOOR)
ROSS: I guess it's time. I want you all to meet my lover!
(ROSS OPENS THE DOOR AND MARCEL JUMPS INTO HIS ARMS)
ROSS: That's right! I've been in love with Marcel for the longest time. He knows how to treat me with the respect
I deserve. Plus, he's good in bed.
RACHEL: You've got that right.
CHANDLER: Did someone say cocaine?
(LAUGH TRACK)
RACHEL: Oh, my God. Look! It's ugly naked guy! And he's shooting at us!!!
CHANDLER: Did someone say shooters?
(LAUGH TRACK)
JOEY: Should we duck or something?
ROSS: Hey, look at this.
(MARCEL IS STANDING ON ROSS' SHOULDER, FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING)
ROSS: Isn't that cute?
CHANDLER: Can't you get a good high from drinking monkey sperm?
(LAUGH TRACK)
(FOUR MORE CRACKS AND JOEY'S ARMS AND LEGS DISAPPEAR)
JOEY: Ow.
(A KNOCK ON THE DOOR WHICH CHANDLER ANSWERS)
CHANDLER: Maybe it's my Columbian connection! Oh, hi Gunther.
(GUNTHER RUNS INTO THE ROOM)
GUNTHER: All you fuckers are going to die!! Bwahahahahahahahaha!
(GUNTHER OPENS HIS JACKET REVEALING DYNAMITE STRAPPED TO HIS CHEST. CAMERA
PANS AROUND, SHOWING ROSS STANDING SLACK JAWED WITH A MASTURBATING MONKEY ON HIS SHOULDER WITH CHANDLER STANDING
DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE MONKEY'S GROIN WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN, RACHEL BRUSHING HER HAIR AND JOEY HAVING CONVULSIONS)
(BLINDING FLASH, RACHEL SCREAMS, LAUGH TRACK, THEN FADE TO BLACK)
The End.
COMING NEXT: A real doozy
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
|
