Thin Lizzy---"Thunder and Lightning"
I think we've just got to let John Walker Lindh go free.
Just by looking at the most recent pictures of him I can tell that he's really truly sorry about what he did and,
by gosh, he's happy to be back in America and loves this great country. As I wipe the tears from my eyes, I can
honestly tell you that that's more than enough to convince me that he made a small mistake and we should just set
him free.
Then, some inbred backroad tobacco chewing country boy can get hold of him and show him the true meaning of patriotism
and love for the USA. Squealing like a pig won't be enough for Johnny and when the redneck is done with his teaching,
Johnny and his parents would only wish that he was someone's prison bitch.
Johnny has no future wherever he might end up. That's why I could care less about him or his parents. Mother's
love, my ass. My mom disowned me for stealing 50 cents from her purse so that I could buy a candy bar for the homeless
man who slept under the old apple tree up the street from us. If I went to Afghanistan and fought for the enemy,
as soon as I got home she would have beaten me bloody with a 2x4 covered with rusty nails. After allowing me a
few minutes to recover and dress my wounds she would then start on the stiff punishment. Johnny's mom should just
forget he even exists and get on with her life. If she wants to know the best way to do this she's always free
to call my mother who would be more than happy to show her the easiest way to wipe her son completely from her
memory.
Enough about Johnny, a true American is back and his name is Jerome.
That's right, Jerome's been through hell and back. He's a shell of his former self and has half the brain power
he had 2 years ago, but that's okay since it makes it easier for us to convince him to do stuff for us "all
in the name of science".
Our latest quest for knowledge had to do with the "No Dumping" areas. We have never met anyone who's
been arrested for dumping something illegally nor have we ever seen someone dumping something in these no dumping
areas, yet there's always a bunch of garbage in these areas. We had to find out why.
Bob and I woke Jerome up by dumping cans of frozen concentrated orange juice on him while he was dreaming of a
threesome between Oprah, Rosie and a pregnant camel (so he says). There's really no reason why we woke him up this
way, but for some reason we like to see him in a certain amount of pain every time he's around us and he doesn't
seem to mind. Plus we also promised him his own column some time ago and we cam always claim that the pain we inflict
is just part of the initiation.
When he was fully awake we told him his mission which he accepted since he really has no choice. For this mission
we decided that Jerome would dump garbage in a local no dumping zone during morning rush hour so that he was sure
to be spotted. When a good citizen spotted him, we could watch and see what would happen to Jerome. Would there
be a citizen's arrest? Would the citizen call the cops? If Jerome was arrested, how much would the fine be and
how much time he have to spend in jail? Sure, there are warnings about fines and jail time printed on the "No
Dumping" signs, but we needed actual proof that someone would follow through on the warnings.
We gave Jerome a bag full of headless Barbie and G.I. Joe dolls and mixed in some spoiled cottage cheese and rotten
bananas. We had him stand in of the no dumping area and as soon as a car got near, he would reach into the bag,
pull out a sizable handful of doll body, cottage cheese and banana and then throw it into the no dumping area.
We had him do this for a few hours and finally came to the realization that nobody cared. A few cars slowed down
to see what was going on but nobody called the law since the law didn't show up. This pissed us off to no end.
We decided to go a different route and went back to the office. We had Jerome strip and proceeded to duct tape
his butt cheeks together so nothing could leak out. For the next 3 days we fed him food from Taco Bell every hour
and watched as his belly started to grow. Jerome complained of cramps after the 2nd day, but we brushed this off
as just nerves since he is always a bit jittery before every experiment.
At the end of the third day he was complaining about severe abdominal pain so we took him back to the no dumping
area, removed his pants and tore off the duct tape. He immediately squatted and passed a little gas and then the
floodgates opened.
We ran across the street and watched in joy as Jerome pooped. I guess there was a lot built up inside him because
he would poop out a big pile then move a few feet and poop out some more. After the eighth pile, Jerome moved to
a clean area and was just starting on a new pile when the law appeared.
Out of nowhere, 6 police cars raced into the no dumping area and surrounded Jerome. He must of been scared because
he stood up in mid poo stream and started running, but the police were prepared for this. One of the policemen
threw down a spike strip and Jerome wasn't paying attention or was just unlucky because he stepped on the strip
and his foot was impaled on one of the spikes making his capture quite easy.
A fire truck was called out and Jerome was hosed down then he was taken to jail. The next day he was fined $500.00
for taking a poop in public and was also fined $500.00 for public intoxication because the judge figured that there
was no way a man not under the influence of something would do what Jerome had done. No fine for making a mess
in the no dumping area which kind of sucked and made our experiment a failure. That's okay though since it was
all in the name of science.
Jerome is still in jail because he couldn't pay the fine.
COMING NEXT: Something
shorter.
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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