Mountain---"Twin Peaks"
A certain movie company (who I won't name since I've seen a bunch of their movies and don't want to be put on their
"Banned from seeing one of our movie's" list) is being sued for 4.5 million dollars because they made
a tiny error in judgement and had bogus reviews posted for "A Knight's Tale" and others. I sat on the
toilet thinking about this for a while and decided that I will dedicate my free time by representing the movie
company in a court of law.
Here's how I see it:
Maybe 50 people were "forced" into going to see these movies because of the false review. There is no
way any of these people should be entitled to hundreds of thousands of dollars.
The type of person who thinks they're entitled to any money from the movie company is your garden variety trailer
trash, quart bottle beer drinking, possible ufo abducted, Pinto driving, tobacco chewing redneck.
Therefore, they are obviously entitled to a hell of a lot less then they think. First off, they drive a Pinto which
gets about 78 miles to the gallon and they probably live less than 2 miles from their local theater. So they're
entitled to roughly 7 cents to pay for their gas.
Next is the cost of the movie tickets and snacks. These people are money conscience which can be proven by the
fact that they only buy the generic macaroni and cheese since they can't afford the high quality Kraft macaroni
and cheese. I'll give them $5.00 for the cost of the movie ticket, but nothing for snacks since they probably smuggled
their own stuff in.
Total owed: $5.07
Maybe they had to get a babysitter. This can cost about 6.00 an hour since child labor is, thankfully, fairly cheap.
If they're gone for 3 hours, the baby sitter is owed $18.00.
Total owed: $23.07
But wait! Instead of doing what they were paid to do, the babysitter was either gabbing on the phone to their friends
talking about the last special episode of "Friends" where Rachel had a three-way with Ross and a beheaded
chicken, or they were having sex on the living room couch with the high school quarterback. Because of this, the
babysitter actually only worked for 15 minutes when she had to heat up a bottle of milk for the screaming baby
and cook some generic macaroni and cheese
for the 7 (some illegitimate) other children.
New total: $6.57
If there was an after movie dinner, it was at a fast food restaurant and it was probably one of those combo meals
which is about $4.00.
Total: $10.57
There's probably other stuff I'm forgetting that needs to be added so 'm going to be generous and add an additional
dollar.
Final total: $11.57
Now, if you multiply $11.57 by 50, you can see that it falls well short of 4.5 million. If this movie company hires
me as their representative, I can save them over $4,499,400, plus I get the opportunity to fuck with some losers.
Just a thought.
On to those emails!
Joe G. from Tempe, AZ:
"You misspelled 'school', assholes. Are you guys stupid or something?"
Well we fixed it dickhead. Go do something useful like doing something useful. Yeah.
Pat R. from Norfolk, VA:
"There's an incredible void in my life and I need something useful to do
to fill this void. Any ideas?"
Sure! Next time you're driving around and see a truck with "How's my driving? Call 800-***-****" written
on the back, go ahead and call that 800 number and tell whoever answers what a great driver that person was. Chances
are that the person who answers won't really care so you might have to call back a few times, but when all is said
and done, you'll feel really good about yourself.
Rhonda T. from Sarasota, FL:
"My boyfriend left me because he thinks I am having an affair. What
should I do?"
Might as well latch onto the guy who you're sleeping with now until you've found yourself someone new. I'll try
not to offend you here, but I think most people call someone like you a slut.
Gary N. from Lansing, MI:
"I bleed a lot when I poop. Should I see a doctor?"
No. It might be something you ate. Next time you notice this, try and taste the red stuff. It might be a bit difficult
since you would have to reach into the toilet bowl to scoop out some off the red stuff without touching a piece
of poo, but as long as you take your time and are cautious, it can be done. Chances are great when you do taste
it you'll find out it's just a liquified form of that cherry Jolly Rancher you had the day before.
COMING NEXT: The return
of Jerome!!
Email Stephen!
snide_remarks@theweirdcrap.com
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