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Lunatic Ravings - 12/17/01
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday
Yes---"Magnification"
Since I was a wee lad, I have known of my ability to be like Dr. Doolittle but have never learned to use my powers
correctly to talk with the animals. I recently had the opportunity to use this power again with mixed results..
On my way home from gambling, drinking, smoking and whoring, I stopped at a traffic light. A convertible pulled
up along side me and I saw that the driver was some 60- ish fat fuck, and in the passenger seat was a young blonde
with nice breasts. I'm sure that on the inside she was nice too, but I didn't get the chance to talk to her but
I did get the chance to see her breasts so don't start with this chauvinistic bullshit talk.
I figured that this 60 year old shouldn't be with a 20 year old but should be playing shuffleboard in Florida with
other retirees his age. Something had to be done to right this wrong and I figured that I was the guy to do this.
I followed the convertible around for a bit and then, at the next stop light, opportunity struck. I pulled up behind
a pickup truck and, as luck would have it, there was a german shepherd standing in the truck bed.
I waved at the dog to get it's attention and then stared at the dog. I became one with the dog. I became a part
of the dog's mind. I told the dog what it needed to do and when I was done, it nodded its head and jumped from
the back of the truck into the convertible.
I sat in my car giggling while rubbing my hands in glee as the man in the convertible started screaming when he
noticed the dog. The dog looked back at me and I sent it my final telepathic order.
I expected blood, but I got something better or worse, depending on how you look at it. As I mentioned before,
I haven't learned to use my powers properly and this was another one of those times which proves me right, since
instead of tearing into the man, the dog decided jump on the guy's lap and hump his face.
Imagine the site of a car stopped at a light with a dog in the driver's lap trying to stick it's penis into any
opening it could find. Believe me, it was quite a mess.
What's worse is that the dog finally found a hole that it could penetrate and somehow it got stuck. The owner of
the dog tried to disengage the dog from the convertible man's face but to no avail.
Someone called the fire department and they came and had to hose down the dog and man. When they were finally parted,
the man went ape-shit screaming about how his car was ruined and how he was going to sue everyone.
I felt horrible because I caused this but then I looked up the street and noticed that the blonde was getting into
a taxi so I felt a little bit better since I had actually completed what I had set out to do.
One of my resolutions for next year is to work on using my powers and to use them for good instead of evil. Or
maybe I'll just not care and use them anyway I want.
TOP TEN ALBUM'S OF 2001!!!!!!
Stephen's list:
10) Blue Oyster Cult---"Curse of the Hidden Mirror"
9) The Go-Go's---"God Bless
the Go-Go's"
8) Electric Light Orchestra---"Zoom"
7) Saliva---"Every Six Seconds"
6) Days of the New---"Days
of the New" (3)
5) Widespread Panic---"don't
tell the band"
4) Yes---"Magnification"
3) Spacehog---"Spacehog:
The Hogyssey'
2) King's X---"Manic Moonlight"
And the number one musical pick by Stephen for the gross-out, two thousand
and one year is…
Savatage---"Poets
& Madmen"
Bob's List:
These are not new CD's but they just happen to be sitting out. Which means
I recently listened to them. Which means they must be good.
10) Al Green---"Take Me to
the River" - He's gots it goin' on.
9) Zack Hexum---"Introducing"
- Jazz written and performed by Zack.
8) Beastie Boys---"Check
Your Head" - Dedicated to Professor Booty.
7) Gorillaz---"Gorillaz"
- Best thing I've heard since "On the Floor at the Boutique"
6) Frank Sinatra---"Frank
Sinatra's Greatest Hits" - It was a very good year.
5) Soundtrack---"O Brother
Where Art Thou?" - I like it. I don't know why?
4) Kraftwerk---"Autobaun"
- I had-a fon, fon, fon with this one.
3) Taj Mahal---"Senor Blues"
- He got 3 wives and lives in Hawaii…is that legal?
2) John Lee Hooker---"Mr
Lucky" - Now that's the funky Sheeeeet.
And the number one musical pick by Bob for the spaced out, two thousand
and one year is…
Moby---"Play" - It's just that good.
Bel's list:
Bel rejects all forms of music for it is evil.
And the number one musical pick by Bel for the holy, two thousand and one
year is…
Nothing---Wern't you paying attention?
COMING NEXT: It's a star-studded
Christmas Eve spectacular!
snide_remarks@weirdcrap.every1.net
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