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Lunatic Ravings - 12/10/01
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday
Uriah Heep---"Sea of Light"
Calling John Walker "American Taliban" reminds me too much of the classic movie "Amerinca Ninja".
Besides that, "American Taliban' does not roll of the tongues as, say, "confused traitorous prick"
does. What if they capture more American's who are or have fought for the Taliban?
Will the next one caught be called "American Taliban 2"?
If John Walker escapes custody and does something evil, will it be known as "Revenge of the American Taliban"?
When he does come back to the U.S. I guess it could be "American Taliban: The Return". Maybe the doctors
will find the reason that John Walker joined the Taliban was because he was possessed by Satan, so we could have
"American Taliban: The Domination".
John could be very upset if another American is caught and labeled "American Taliban 2" which will cause
him to go ballistic and try to find any means to eradicate his nemesis which could be called "American Taliban
2: The Wrath of John". The possibilities are endless!!
I was watching MSNBC and they had an expert on who was explaining how to handle mail received at your home. Due
to the anthrax scare and the amount of mail that is sent out this time of year she said that is wasn't a god thing
to "sniff" or "blow" envelopes.
Sniffing I can understand, but blowing? How do you blow an envelope? How do you blow anything inanimate for that
matter? She probably meant "blow into", but someone who watched that report might actually perform oral
sex on things like envelopes and is now out of luck and has to find something else to do in order to get their
rocks off. Maybe they could finger fuck a paperback book or give a thermos a good handjob.
Stephen and Bob's Top Ten Movie List:
Stephen's Top Ten Movies of 2001
2001 was a shitty year for movies, so compiling a list of the 10 best was a bitch.
Since I only actually went to a theater 5 times and 4 of those movies weren't that good, you're lucky I buy DVD's
without seeing what I'm buying first.
| 10) |
The Mummy Returns"/
"Planet of the Apes |
Okay, neither were as good as they should have been but I couldn't come up with 10
so I am giving you 11 as a bonus. Besides, who are you to complain? |
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| 9) |
Lord of the Rings |
Nope, haven't seen it but it's from Peter Jackson and if everything is right in this
world it should blow away that Harry Potter shit. |
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| 8) |
Monkeybone |
Freaky. |
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| 7) |
Shallow Hal |
It taught me to look inside a person to get their true beauty. Or something like
that. |
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| 6) |
Monster's, Inc. |
I only saw this since the sneak preview of "Shallow Hal" was sold out.
I cried at the end. Oh, wait, that was "Tomb Raider" where I cried. |
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| 5) |
Osmosis Jones |
Hey, I liked it. |
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| 4) |
Shrek |
Much better than I thought it would be. Was I wrong to laugh at Robin Hood and his
Merry Men? |
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| 3) |
Hannibal |
Nothing quite like hearing the sound of a person's innards falling to the ground. |
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| 2) |
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back |
Juvenile humor. Gotta love it. |
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| 1) |
Apocalypse Now Redux |
Because there's over 40 minutes of new stuff!! |
There you go.
Bob's Top Ten Movies of 2001
Bob doesn't go out much because it causes him to loose valuable drinking time.
He doesn't rent movies because he doesn't have a VCR. For that matter, he doesn't have color TV, Cable or a radio.
But here are the latest movies he can recall seeing:
| 10) |
Lilites of the Field |
European Nuns, heavy breathing and Arizona, what else you want? |
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| 9) |
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Love the Bomb |
Slim Pickens riding an atomic bomb to Russia - amazing special effects. |
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| 8) |
Fail Safe |
More Global War! |
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| 7) |
Seven Days in May |
The Military takes over the Government - a wet dream by George Bush...but which one? |
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| 6) |
The Best Man |
I laughed, I cried, I puked. |
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| 5) |
One Potato, Two Potato |
A white woman, a black man, and 1965…Naturally the film's in black and white. |
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| 4) |
Goldfinger |
I couldn't figure this one out? I think it's about Oliver North. |
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| 3) |
A Hard Days Night |
I originally thought it was porn. It's not, but if features a new pop-combo who just
may have a future in music if they get rid of that drummer. |
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| 2) |
The Pink Panther |
I don't think Peter Sellers has much of a future but I liked the movie! |
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| 1) |
Mary Poppins |
I thought this was the movie where she shows her boobs, but she don't. I liked it
just the same because I have a lot of dreams about flying. |
Bel's Top Ten Movies of 2001
Bel is boycotting the movie industry and refused to watch any movies this year.
He claims the Lesbian Porn Industry is not being properly promoted by Hollywood and he has cast a vodoo spell,
in the name of Jesus of Nazareth, on Hollywood. Amen
COMING NEXT: Our top ten
albums of 2001!!!
snide_remarks@weirdcrap.every1.net
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