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Lunatic Ravings - 11/26/01
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday and Thursday
Kid Rock---"Cocky"
I usually don't get caught up in the day after Thanksgiving sales because I could care less about shopping for
Christmas but this year I saw that Best Buy was selling the Sega Dreamcast for the low, low price of $50.00 (limit
one) between the hours of 7 am til noon and I said to myself "Hey, that's fucking CHEAP!" and decided
to get up early and get me one!
Friday morning I was up at 5 and at the store at 6. I guess a lot of people have lives that are more pathetic than
mine since they was already a long line. No problem, I thought, not everyone wants the Dreamcast.
The doors opened promptly at 7 and the mad rush began. People ran into the store as the ones outside were pushed
to opened doors. Bodies were falling, men and women were whimpering but I was cool since I was wearing my trusty
metal toed boots and a quick kick to the shins incapacitated those that were straggling in front of me.
I was almost to the entrance when I saw a middle aged lady fall to the ground. One of her arms was raised as if
to ask for mercy and I decided to held her and grabbed the upraised arm and pulled her to the door. I guess if
I had paid a bit more attention, I would have heard her screams, but that was then and this is now.
I finally got into the store and found a section that was relatively free of people and bent down to help the lady
up. Just imagine my surprise when I found that there was no woman, only the arm which I had a firm grasp on.
I now heard the screams and looked back to the entrance and saw the lady who had fallen now standing and stumbling
around with jets of blood spurting from her shoulder where her arm had been attached only a few minutes before.
I looked around and saw that no one was watching and discarded the arm in the cell phone section and went on my
way to pick up my Dreamcast.
When I got to the video game section, there were plenty of people, but no Dreamcasts. This was quite annoying.
Then I saw a man with a cart walking quickly to the checkout and he had 5 Dreamcasts. Knowing this was wrong, I
ran up to him and asked him what he was doing with 5 when the ad clearly stated limit 1. He only looked at me and
continued on to the checkout.
I decided to take matters into my own hands and since I had seen "Billy Jack" the day before, I knew
that justice and righteousness would be on my side. So, I went outside and waited for the man, ready to teach him
a lesson with my hands and feet which happen to be lethal weapons, especially when I don't wash them.
He finally came out all happy because he got what he wanted and this set me off and I pounced on him like a cheetah
punces on an antelope. Down he went as I kicked and slapped him repeatedly. Some other people joined in because
they thought that he had robbed me, and it was also some good holiday fun.
The beating continued for awhile and then the man said something that sounded like "orphans" and "church"
so I commanded my legion to stop the pummelling. I bent down to the pulverized man and asked him what he said.
To make a long story short, I found out this guy was a priest and he was buying the Dreamcasts for some orphans.
Ooops. It's okay though because he didn't put a religious hex on my or demand that I go to church to confess to
his lord about what I did. Well, not that I know of since as soon as he said "priest" me and my entourage
ran, just like Billy Jack and his clan would have.
COMING NEXT: End of year
clearance!
snide_remarks@weirdcrap.every1.net
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