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Lunatic Ravings - 11/19/01
By Stephen Johnson
Published each Monday and Thursday
Drain s.t.h.---"Horror Wrestling"
Even though Jerome's testicles have been basically squashed, I will go on record right here and state that I can guarantee that Bob's wife's baby will look
and act like Jerome, and, therefore, that means that Jerome is the father.
Here's why I can say that with absolute certainty:
A few months ago I had a chat with Bob when he was drunk. True, Bob is almost always drunk, but this time he wasn't
passed out drunk and that makes a huge difference.
Bob told me that he had an abnormally low sperm output from countless years of continuos masturbation. At least
20 times a day for 25 years he spanked his monkey, but year after year the amount of sperm that squirted from his
penis became less and less until "nothing at all came out".
Considering that he stopped his massive daily masturbation only a few months ago and his wife is at least one month
pregnant, one can only assume that the baby is not his.
I have known his wife from when she worked at a grocery store as a cart collector and I can tell you firsthand
that she wasn't shy and timid. She put out for anyone and anything that showed the slightest signs of life and
I heard rumours that she even tried some roadkill one day.
I guess I shouldn't dash Bob's dream of becoming a daddy, but when the baby comes out drooling with a lopsided
head, wouldn't it be better for Bob to except the fact now that Jerome is the father and not him??
I didn't see that Harry Potter movie this past weekend.
I did go to a movie theater and put a sign up in front of the ticket office that stated "Due to a mix up in
shipping, 'Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone' was not delivered to our theater. We regret any inconvenience
this may have caused, but you can now get a life. Thank you." Then I hung around the front and watched families
walk up, read the sign and walk away with the kids and quite a few of the adults bawling. I found it to be funny.
Since Thanksgiving is right around the corner, we need to remember the true meaning of the day. It shouldn't be
about parades, turkey and football. but should be remembrance of the pilgrims and the Indians having a sociable
meal together as a show of peace.
Then the pilgrims ancestors went on to butcher the Indians and steal their homeland. Hell, at least we got the
recipe for pumpkin pie, so let's celebrate and have a grand old time anyway, right?
And this coming Saturday is my birthday and I bet you care about that as much as you do the indians.
Fuck remembering past events, it's a short work week!!
COMING NEXT: Bob gets
all high and mighty.
snide_remarks@weirdcrap.every1.net
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