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For Disappointment, Email Stephen
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 Tubes---"Genius of America"
My wife got bored one day and went to check out a local yard sale. When she got home I expected her trunk to be
full of all sorts of worthless shit, but was pleasantly surprised when I found out she had only bought one worthless
piece of shit.
She fell in love with a statue of a boy carrying two buckets hanging from a stick across his shoulders. She thought
it would look mighty spiffy in our garden.
She placed the statue, who I named bucketboy, in the garden and marvelled at the pure quaintness, whatever that
means. I was a little bit leery about the whole thing because I felt pure evil emanating from bucketboy.
Sure enough, the next day I noticed that bucketboy's head a turned a little bit. This concerned me and I mentioned
to my wife but she called me an idiot and I let it go at that.
Later that day, I went to the backyard and saw my neighbor crying. I walked over to the dividing wall and asked
him what the problem was.
He walked over and handed me a small pile of bloody fur. I looked at it quickly and threw it back at him.
.
"What in the fuck was that?" I asked as I wiped my hands on his side of the wall.
"That was Spunky," he said as tears streamed from his eyes.
Spunky was his little yip-yip dog. The little beast would run around the yard day yipping at the top of his tiny
lungs. No matter what I did, no matter how many large rocks I threw at it, it would keep on yipping. Now, it was
just a pile of bloody fur which made me positively giddy with joy.
I couldn't let my neighbor see my joy, so I tried to look as sad as I could and asked, "Whatever happened
to your poor, poor puppy?"
"I don't know," my neighbor said. "But I do know that Spunky's head is missing!"
"Wow! That's a darn shame," I said. "Well great talking with you and all that, but I gotta go and
have a few beers. You know, beers for mourning."
With that, I started to go back inside my house when I noticed that there was something in one of bucketboy's buckets.
I walked over and was horrified to find the head of Spunky.
I ran inside and told my wife, but she was too busy watching TV Land and basically ignored me. I knew that I had
to do something fast or else bucketboy would get out of hand.
I have seen "The Exorcist" and feel that I have a pretty good grasp and understanding on that exorcism
thing. I grabbed some candles, salt and blessed some tap water and ran back outside.
I started speaking in Latin and sprinkled some water and salt on bucketboy. I could swear I heard small scream
coming from him when the water hit him, but I wasn't too sure. I then lit some candles and placed them around him
in a circle and did a little dance.
I must have pissed something off because the ground opened up and flames shot up from the depths. I stopped dancing
and watched as billions of locusts came streaming from the hole. I glanced at bucketboy and that little fucker
was actually smiling at me!
I ran back inside to tell my wife what was going on in our backyard, but she was asleep. I decided there was nothing
I could really do, so I grabbed a beer and watched C-Span for the rest of the day.
After a few days, I finally gathered up enough courage and went to our backyard. The hole in the ground was gone,
but bucketboy was still in the same spot he had always been in. The only difference now is that he has some sort
of superpower and can shoot laser beams from his eyes.
I learned this fact when bucketboy decided to light my ass on fire while I was digging up fresh worms in the backyard.
Nothing else could have caused my ass to catch on fire except for laser shooting eyes. I know this for a fact.
Even though I showed my wife my smoldering ass, she still didn't believe it was bucketboy's fault.
With or without her support, I shall win the war against bucketboy.
COMING NEXT: Another visit to my psychiatrict
nets me some new, improved drugs!
Click Here if you wanna give Stephen "A
Good, Ass Whuppin."
Snide_Remarks@weirdcrap.every1.net
A new Lunatic Ravings pops up each Monday and Thursday. |
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