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 That Bob is quite the funny guy!!
If you happened to waste your valuable time by reading his latest column, you were probably as shocked as I was
when he claimed that Jerome had caught me under the influence on some sort of illegal substance while masturbating
and eating dog food.
I have NEVER been caught masturbating anywhere at anytime. It is a private thing and I maintain the utmost privacy
if I were to do such a thing.
Jerome did come over, that part I will not deny. However, what Bob and Jerome failed to state is the fact that
Jerome was sent to my place by Bob because he needed some turpentine, probably because he needed more to sniff.
Why he sent Jerome all the way to Utah is beyond me, but Jerome has a severe brain problem that causes him to do
the strangest things.
I have never owned a Devo album at any point in my life. Jerome doesn't know the difference between The Carpenters
and Anthrax so I can understand here that mistake came from. When Jerome showed up I was listening to Animotion
and I was sitting in a corner eating popcorn, not dog food.
And yes, I have changed around the place here a bit in order to protect me from the Mormons. The changes I made
are obviously the work of a sane man. As long as I remain quiet and stay indoors, I have no fear of being taken
over by Mormonism.
Sorry about any confusion Bob might have caused, but he is a peckerhead and everything he says should be taken
lightly, since he has killed off over 30 billion brain cells in the last 3 years.
Since I talked a bit about the Mormons (again) I have to enlighten the world about the 2001 Olympics coming to
Mormonville, Utah. There are a few misconception from the Mormons being passed around and I am here to clear them
up.
FICTION: The Mormons will not
try to convert visitors to their way of life during the Olympics.
FACT: The Mormons are secretly
training the younger flock in various hidden locations. They are being taught all the Olympic sports so they can
infiltrate and pass on their special word. For figure skating, instead of throwing flowers onto the ice, they are
being taught how to throw the Book of Mormon. They have also come up with "Mormon Hit Squads" who will
try to recruit skiers as they are in the midst of a downhill run. These "Hit Squads" will be hiding in
the trees and will try to intercept the skiers as they make their way towards the finish line.
The end of the bobsled track happens to be the front of the Mormon Temple. The Mormons will have a group of Mormon
hypnotists waiting at the finish line waiting to convert the unlucky bobsledders who will then be carried into
the temple and locked in the basement until they accept their conversion.
FICTION: The Mormon Temple is
the main tourist attraction in Salt Lake City. FACT: That's what they want you to think. When you go visit, you have to sign your name and address in
their guest book. They will then put your name and address in their computer so they can have someone "visit"
you.
The REAL main tourist attraction is................well, I guess anywhere other than the temple unless your life
is so pathetic and aimless that you need a bunch of drones to dictate how you should live your life.
FICTION: The hookers in Utah are
the best in the world.
FACT: That would be Amsterdam.
FICTION: The drinking laws are
going to be lifted.
FACT: This is probably true. Why
wouldn't the Mormons want that? They could easily convert the brain weakened drunks.
FICTION: There is no such thing
as underage sex in Utah.
FACT: As long as you're Mormon,
no.
I also have a strange feeling that the Mormons are going to try to take the Olympics hostage so that they could
then take over the whole world.
Now you know why I must stay inside.
COMING NEXT: I answer
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