Lunatic Ravings!
By Stephen Johnson
Believe it or not, there might be a new faction out there that may give the Mormon's a run for "lost souls".
This new faction does not deal in religion, but deals in a much more important necessity.
Food.
Most people are aware of the heart rendering trials and tribulations of Jared, the Subway spokesperson. If you
are not familiar on who Jared is, well, he was really fat and ate some Subway sandwiches and became thin. That's
his history in a nutshell.
Jared realized when he was large that he would never get laid. He
probably had the hots for a Subway employee and went there every day to eat so he had some masturbatory material
for later on in the evening.
Problem was, the Subway employee was not interested in Jared at all. However, Jared was pleasantly surprised that
he was losing lots of weight and wrote a letter to the Subway headquarters and told them about his spectacular
weight loss just from eating their food.
Subway plastered his image in their marketing campaign and everyone was supposed to follow Jared's lead. It didn't
quite work out that way though.
Jared had thoughts of naked nubile vixens dancing in his head.
He does not take into effect the fact is he is quite the geeky looking fellow and no sane woman would actually
want to be seen in public with him, unless they were paid.
Now Jared has decided to start a cult and he has followers. More weak minded folks who have no meaning in their
pitiful existence. Daily, they troop to their local Subway shop in order to partake of some nourishment from the
fine menu.
If you don't believe me, check out the commercial. Check the glazed look in Jared's eyes, as well as his followers.
Is that a string of drool hanging from the corner of Jared's mouth? Why, I think it is!
Instead of forcing their religious beliefs on you, Jared and his clan
are going to force their food beliefs on you. You might decide one night to go to your local Taco Bell to get a
chimichanga only to be met by a Jaredonian who will preach to you the merits of eating a tuna sub from Subway instead
of consuming that chimichanga you are dying to have.
Society, as we know it, is fucked. All thanks to Jared.
Now, for my second, and last, batch of 2001 predictions:
1) Kathie Lee Gifford will storm the set of "Who Wants to be a
Millionaire" and take Regis hostage demanding her job back causing Regis to backhand bitch slap her. Kathie
will get her own talk show soon after, but will be bitten by a rabid monkey causing her to drop dead during her
rendition of "Master of Puppets".
2) Tom Green will hire a male prostitute to harass Drew Barrymore. Drew falls in love with the prostitute and films
herself having sex with him. She shows the video to Tom and films him watching the video which she then shows on
MTV. Tom is devastated and is caught having sex with a dead possum on the side of a highway and is thrown in prison.
3) Robert Downey, Jr. will clean his act up.
4) Bob won't.
And that's all I wrote.
COMING NEXT: I'll make
something up.
Look for a new "Lunatic Ravings" each Monday and Thursday.
