Lunatic Ravings! (10/19/00 & 10/23/00)
I will not stoop down to Bob's level and retaliate on what he wrote about me this past Sunday since I believe that would be childish and, since we are all adults, we can find a way to coexist here on this fine site. If not, I'll just kill the little drunken bitch.
However, he should be thankful with the box office totals for "Ladies Man". Since it only grossed $5,426,390 this past opening weekend, Bob should not be worried about losing any body parts or his life. We here at TheWeirdcrap.com are very proud of everyone who did not go see that movie. The ones that did go, we hope you worked out some sort of refund with the theater, or at least snuck in to watch another movie.
I was sitting on the porch today enjoying a fine bottle of imported ale when I spotted a mother and daughter on the sidewalk. The girl seemed to be about 10 years old and the mom 16 years old, so I knew that they were definitely Mormon.
The daughter was crying because mom would not pick her up and give her a piggyback ride. This crying continued for about 5 minutes, then I started to mock the girl.
I thought I wasn't loud enough for her to hear me, but I was sadly mistaken. The little girl stopped crying and turned towards me, her eyed glowing red.
Flames shot from her eyes and ignited my cat which was curled up under my rocking chair. The cat immediately woke up and hissed. I quickly dumped the rest of my ale (imported) on the cat, and it went back to sleep.
I turned my attention back to the girl and her mom. The girl was crying again and the mom was beating her about the head and neck with the Book of Mormon. Pretty weird.
I called the police but they didn't want to file a report because they claimed I was drunk and under the influence of some sort of drug like caffeine. I'm pretty sure that they were also Mormon.
I am living in the state of the damned.
I found a site called spun.com that buys and sells used cd's, dvd's and video games. They also sell new stuff with competitive prices. I bought a used dvd from them just to see what I would get, and was very happy with what I received. Go ahead and check them out, they seem to have almost everything. (END OF SHAMELESS PLUG)
COMING NEXT: Jerome's next experiment!
By "Stephen Johnson"
I received an email a couple of days ago from someone named Marty. The email simply said "Hey". I thought that was really nice. Someone was saying "howdy" to me. Someone took time off of their busy day to send me a nice little email that said "hello".
The more I thought about it, I realized what the email was really for. I am now almost about 65% positive that the email is from someone who wants to see me suffer. It is from someone who wants me to be in excrutiating pain. That's right, Marty is a Mormon.
Marty wasn't being friendly and saying "hi" to me. "Hey" actually stands for "Hell Expects You". Marty was obviously trying to be cute, not expecting me to uncover the secret of his little game. Regretfully, I have no snappy comeback for Marty. I will let him and his evil Mormonian minions think that they got me on the run.
I do have a plan that involves me and the Amish verus the Mormons. I will not divulge any more information, other than churned butter is a major part of our plan. Beware, Marty. Try not to push me any further. This is the last warning I am going to give you.
Jerome's latest experiment was to have him pee in a toilet during a thunderstorm. We wanted to see if he could actually be electrocuted via a lightening strike while he peed. Alas, the weather did not cooperate. It was sunny the whole week. We are waiting for a storm to come so we can pass our findings on to the world.
We are doing these experiments without the benefit of a government grant because we care so much. And we are also not using animals in our experiments. That just proves we care a lot. Well, everyone but Bob. He purposely force fed an egret 4 burritos because he wanted to know how much weight it would gain. The egret died because of the hot sauce. Bob claims it was for science, but I believe that Bob did it to get back at his wife who raises egrets.
They had a fight that day over what movie to see and Bob ended up seeing a chick flick instead of "Digimon". So he killed an egret. His wife still believes that the egret blew up because it ate a bad worm. She's kind of stupid, but that's why she married Bob and why she raises egrets. He made her clean up the blown up egret. There is a big red stain in the middle of their garage that won't disappear no matter how much she scrubs at it. She saved the beak because she believes that she can clone a new egret from the beak.
COMING NEXT: Electrified pee?
Lunatic Ravings 2000 . Lunatic Ravings 2001
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