Lunatic Ravings! - 09/21/00 & 09/25/00
Time for me to clear up a few misconceptions from Bob's latest column.
For one, I was never dead and that should be obvious. I was in the midst of moving and told Bob that I would not be able to write anything since I had too many things on my agenda.
It was Bob's idea to hire Jerome, who works at Burger King, in order to give the site some "street creed". his was done without me knowing. I was under the assumption that Bob would either post some of my old stuff or do something himself instead of sitting around scratching his ass with the remote control all day long.
I also told Bob that we needed to be placed on as many search engines as possible. That much he got right. However, what he didn't tell you was that he wanted to link us with every known porn site on the Internet. I told Bob this would be wrong because we want to remain a family fucking friendly site.
So, why did Bob start this rumor that I was dead? Probably because he is an idiot. He thought that people actually would care that I was dead and would generate massive amount of hits to the site. I don't know why anyone would actually care. I do think more people would care about my death then if Eminem would overdose on those little white pills that fell out of his pocket during the MTV video awards. But, that isn't saying much.
So, if you send in a question to Bob, be prepared for misinformation. He looks up really big words in the dictionary and throws them into the answer to make it look like he knows what he is talking about. In the words of Mike Brady "caveat emptor". And now you REALLY know.
If there is actually a strike in Hollywood, that could possibly mean more shit like "Survivor" and "Big Brother" would worm its way onto television. I personally did not watch one minute of "Survivor" and have not watched any of "Big Brother". Seems to be a waste of time to me. But, for some unfathomable reason, the people from "Survivor" are getting 15+ minutes of fame. Why should these people be guest stars on tv programs? What talent do they have? And who in their right mind would buy a book written by one of them? What makes these people so special? Who will buy the music from "Survivor" CD? These are questions for good ole Bob to answer.
All I know about "Big Brother" is that there is some bitch on the program who airs her personal problems about her marriage. We've already seen that with Kathie Lee. Besides, I don't think anyone cares and most normal people figure this lady has a serious mental problem. If she isn't getting any at home, I'm sure there is a bag boy at the local Piggly Wiggly who would be more than happy to give her what she thinks she needs.
So that's what might be in store for everyone. A bunch of talent less losers on your television screen in case of a Hollywood strike.
Something to really look forward to.
COMING NEXT: Who cares?
By "Stephen Johnson"
Time for me to talk about some national treasures.
We went to a mall this past Saturday and, while we were walking around, we passed a See's candy store. Inside their display window was a Barbie doll dressed up as a See's employee, I guess, and I wondered whether Barbie whored herself out to everyone. Preparation H Barbie. Massengill Barbie. Trojan Ribbed Condom Barbie. What next?
The other thing that is really annoying me is Tom Green. At first I found him slightly humorous. Now, since that deodorant commercial of his seems to be on every 5 minutes, he is really staring to annoy me. Even though those weightlifters on that beach don't have much brain power, I just cannot imagine them letting Mr. Green rub deodorant on their heads and making funny little wisecracks.
No, I can really see them grabbing Tommy and ripping his testicles off. Oops, I mean testicle. Hey, if he can make fun of his loss, so can I, so stop whining. I say Tom should go impregnate Drew with his one nut and slowly disappear from the limelight. Actually, Drew and Tom shouldn't have a kid because imagine how fucked up it would be. 3 years old and it would be addicted to some drug and eating fresh roadkill as it painted obscene messages on its babsitters car.
And talking about weightlifters, what kind of genetic monstrosities are those things on the Bally's fitness commercials? Those cannot be people. I don't get frightened easily, but I have been having very bad nightmares about those freaks. Make the bad things go away, ok?
Bob's wife, Allison, came over last night upset that the garbage man had not been by to pick up their trash. So, Jerome and her had sex. I don't know how I should tell Bob. Maybe I just won't tell him because that might be for the best. But, I really should tell him because I know that would really devastate him and there is nothing better than seeing a suicidal Bob. I have seen it before when we hid his beer and car. It was kind of funny watching him walking around the house as he repeatedly stabbed himself in the head with an icepick because he needed his beer fix. We finally relented and gave him some beer when we found him trying to hang himself from the apple tree in his back yard. That was 3 years ago and we need some fun now. Therefore, I will tell him.
I am going to do that now.
COMING UP: Cats: Cute, furry creatures or Satan's furry beasts?
Lunatic Ravings 2000 . Lunatic Ravings 2001
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