Hello. My name is Stephen. Contrary to popular fucking belief, I am NOT dead. I took a little bit of time off because I was moving. Bob decided to claim that I was dead in order to bring "sympathy traffic" to this site. Obviously, it did not work.

So, the move is over. I now currently reside in Mormonville. That's right, Salt Lake City. I have nothing against people and their beliefs, but these Mormons are downright crazy.

If you are not Mormon and move to SLC, be prepared to have visitors come knocking at your door. In order to thwart them, I now carry a beer and a lit cigarette to the door. When they notice how far gone I am and how I cannot be saved, they generally leave me alone. It is also good to throw a "motherfucker" into the conversation now and again. I just like seeing their eyes get really wide.

Mormons are not supposed to drink caffeine. I thought I could substitute a bottle of Mountain Dew for beer. HOWEVER, I have learned from a good source that since the Mormons own stock in Pepsi, it is okay for them to drink Pepsi, which has caffeine. This really makes no sense to me. If they have stock in Phillip Morris, can they smoke? How about Annheuser Busch?

If you are Mormon and reading this, I really don't care if I offend you. You offend me by knocking on my door when I am trying to watch one of my many porn movies. I think porn movies are illegal in Utah. I'm not too sure about that. Anyways, if a wholesome Mormon wants to come in and watch a porn movie with me, then I will go to one of their church dinners. Hey, we'll both benefit. I'll get a free meal, and the Mormon person will get a tingling feeling in their groin which they have never felt before.

I'm even willing to take it a step further. I'll go to the Mormon Taberbnacle and listen to the castrated choir if a couple of devout door knockers will have a few Michelob's and listen to some Black Sabbath or some Iron Maiden with me. Then we can start a deep conversation about religion.

Maybe I'll just learn to adapt to them and they can do the same with me.
Nah, that's not in their blood. Oh, well.

By "Stephen Johnson"

I received a note on the door that invited me to go to a "Home, Family & Personal Enrichment Night". It stated that I could "Come and listen to an excellent speaker on medicine uses."

Hell, they also promised "Refreshments!!!"

I never pass up an opportunity for refreshments. Especially "Refreshments!!!". So, I drank a few beers and lit a cigarette as I went to the Relief Society Room where this get toghether was being held.

Much to my dismay, they wouldn't let me enter the room with my cigarette. I took one last draw on it and threw it casually into the grass. I guess they didn't appreciate that too much since a few people stared at me with hostility.

"Hey," I said. "It decomposes, you know."

Noone bothered to answer with some snappy comeback, so I thought everything was A-ok.

Well, what the meeting basically was was a way to try and recruit my ass into the Mormon way of life. Guess what? I left.

Okay, I never went. I know what the meeting would be about and I am a step ahead of those Mormon's. HA!!

Someone asked me why I pick on the Mormon's. Well, picking on the cast of "Friends" is a bit stale, and the Amish don't have computers so they can't read what I write about them. Besides, are the Amish really that fucked up? Especially compared to say......the Mormons??

Nope. I guess some Mormon guy named Joey Smith back about 150 years ago was in jail and some of his Mormon brethren tried to break him out and Joey happened to get shot in the head.

Yep, that's some fucker I would like to follow.

I also hear that if you are a Mormon, they take 10% of your pay. Sounds like a cult to me. I dunno, though. Somehow I believe that I am going to be whacked over the head with a dead possum and dragged into a minivan and forced to become a Mormon. Basically I am fucked. Oh, well.

If you have a chance, make sure you check out wrestlingsucks.com. A very funny site and it is not what you might expect. After I am Mormonized, I will not be able to visit fine sites like that. I couldn't even visit www.bigtitties.com <http://www.bigtitties.com/>. Wow. How do these people live??
Please pray for me. Thank you.

COMING NEXT: I will save all of you shit eating heathens!!!

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