Lunatic Ravings! (08/24/00 & 08/28/00)
Man, I am so backed up. I ain't getting none of my peas and it has backed me up. I sat on the toilet at home yesterday and grunted and groaned for about an hour and nothing came out except for a tiny fart. This ain't good.
I was at work and thought I had to go and I sat on the toilet there for about 45 minutes!! I grunted and groaned and it was only worse cause the bathroom is big and it made my grunts louder and made them echo. I heard people laughing at me. Man, that about pissed me off.
So, my boss comes into the bathroom looking for me cause I ain't at my desk working. He says, "Yo, Jerome, you in here?" and I says "Yessir, I sure am." and he says "You okay in there?" and I says "I think so, but I am kinda backed up." and he says "Ain't you had no vegetables?" and I says "No. I ain't had me no peas in a long time!" and he says "Oh. Well, you just hurry up in there and get back to work as soon as you can." and I says, "Okay, I don't think anything is gonna come out."
I go back to work and I know everyone is looking at me. People are probably pointing at me behind my back saying "There goes Mr. Backed Up Man." Sometimes people can be so rude. At least I bet they are getting their peas.
I got a bottle of Milk of Magnesia or whatever it is and drank the whole thing. It caused my stomach to churn but it didn't work. I also had my woman press on my stomach to try and force everything down, but that didn't work either. I asked her to jump up and down on my stomach but she refused. And this is all her fault. I have been thinking about wearing really tight pants. Maybe that will force everything down. I am willing to try anything now.
I guess the easiest thing would be for me to eat peas. However, the woman has told me that there are no peas available in our neighborhood. I think that is just crazy talk. I am going to have to do me some investigating on that one.
This past week was the funeral for Stephen. However, no one went except Bob. We kept asking Bob where the service would be held and he kept telling us he had the information at home and would bring it in the next day. Well, he didn't. On Thursday, he was late getting into the office and when we asked him where he went, he told us that he went to Stephen's funeral. Yet Bob was wearing shorts and a Bermuda shirt. I don't think that is what you wear to a funeral. Bob is one crazy motherfucker and something just ain't right here.
I hafta go. I feel something stirring in my stomach.
COMING NEXT: Something else.
if you find this offensive and you want to give him a "Good Ass-Whuppin."
Lunatic Ravings! (08/28/00)
Lunatic Ravings! (08/28/00)
By "Jerome White"
Well, I finally got me damn peas and had me a great big bowel movement! It was a 2 "Reader's Digest" type job. Man, I like "It Pays to Enrich Your Word Power".
This past Saturday was our annual family get together. On Thursday I called my Auntie Vera and asked her what she wanted me to bring. She told me to bring some Chiclets and colored jeans, and she also told me to ask someone at the store for some black eyes, please.
I was a bit confused but Auntie Vera is one fine cook. So, I went to the mall and checked out Sears and found me a fine pair of red jeans. I knew these colored jeans would make my Auntie proud.
I next went to my local corner grocery store. I had to wait until the hold up men left, then I calmly stepped over the body lying in the doorway and went looking for some Chiclets. I was so surprised that there are so many different types of Chiclets!! I decided to grab the fruit flavor then I thought some more and grabbed some peppermint. I wanted to make sure I brought enough Chiclets for everyone.
The last thing one my list kind of confused me. However I wanted to make Auntie proud so I went to the store deli and asked for some black eyes and I made sure I added "please" at the end. Well, if that deli guy didn't just lean over the counter and hit me right in the eye!!! I busted a cap in his ass, that's for sure.
I had to run from at store because I could hear the cops coming. I was a little upset that I couldn't get everything that Auntie asked for, but I was sure she would be pleased.
On Saturday I proudly slipped on my red jeans and wrapped the boxes of Chiclets in a grocery bag. After I gassed up the Neon I headed straight to Auntie Vera's house. When I got there, it took me a little while to find a place to park. The house next door to Auntie Vera's had burst into flames and the firemen were watching it burn to the ground because they couldn't do anything since the neighborhood children had turned the fire hydrant on and were playing in the water.
Finally I parked and proudly walked to the front door and knocked. I don't remember who answered but it was some fine looking bitch. She invited me in and I went straight to the kitchen.
Auntie Vera screamed when she saw me and dropped the pudding and hugged me. It was kind of erotic. Soon, she let go of me and asked me if I had brought the stuff.
I proudly unwrapped the Chiclets and handed them to her and pointed at my new jeans. She looked at the Chiclets and my jeans and I think she called me an idiot, but she had turned her back to me at this time so I'm not really sure. I don't know if she saw my black eye.
I decided to go outside and I saw my cousin Malcolm and Jamal and we hung around for a bit drinking quart bottles of Zima. I was getting pretty tipsy when they asked me if I wanted to join them in a "drive in movie" and I told them I would love to go.
We drove around for what seemed like hours and I was getting a little bit worried that we might miss the coming attractions. I mentioned this to Malcolm and Jamal but they seemed more interested in putting on some black ski masks. I laughed at them and told them they looked pretty stupid wearing ski masks in the summertime.
Next thing I knew, I was standing naked in the middle of a really busy street. I kind of remember Jamal mentioning something about "Martin Lawrencing my ass", but I could be mistaken.
All in all a pretty fun day.
COMING NEXT: I'm sorry Mr Policeman, but you have me mistaken for my cousin.
Lunatic Ravings 2000 . Lunatic Ravings 2001
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