Lunatic Ravings! (07/24/00 & 07/27/00)
Sad to see the demise of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. No more little doggie. No more evil, wide eyed, hungry doggie creeping up on some unsuspecting human. If the dog actually was eating stuff from the Taco Bell menu, I wonder who had to clean up all that nasty poop? Oh well. Another American TV icon taken away in the prime of his/her life. Soon, we might hear about the doggie addicted to some sort of drug and wonder how we, as a society, went wrong and how we could have made its life just a little bit better.. Maybe the Chihuahua will beat up a transvestite dog. Then, we could get him his own radio show. That would be neat.
We like to keep up with the current trends. Therefore, we have decided to develop a reality/game show for a mid-season replacement series. The concept is we will take our cameras to a third world country and round up a group of starving people. Of course, we would do extensive background checks on all participants. Got caught stealing food to feed your family? You will not be on the show. We just want upstanding starving people.
We will pick 10 women and 10 men, the most sickly looking people we can find. The more sickly they look, the more TV addicts will root for them. That's the American way.
We will fly these people to the United States, and set up camp in a supermarket. We will not feed them. We will have cameras set up all over the store to photograph their every move.
Now, on to the first test. The participants are hungry. They can smell some chicken roasting in the deli. The first person who breaks down and grabs something to eat is booted off the show.
Now we shall feed the remaining 19. We shall weigh them before we go on to our next test.
With the next test, we offer abundant amounts of food to the participants. We will give them an hour to eat as much as they can. After the hour is up, we will again weigh the participants. (We will get rid of participants by sex. Therefore, if a male was the first one booted off the show, a female has to go next.) Whoever has gained the least amount of weight after the one hour eating binge will be kicked off the show.
The first person who complains of a stomach ache will be kicked off the show.
The first person to vomit will be kicked off the show.
The first person to fall asleep will be kicked off the show.
The first person who lets out an audible fart will be kicked off the show.
We are now down to 14 remaining people. This is getting exciting!!
We will not feed them for a few more days. However, we will release 5 hungry tigers in the store. If the participants can catch a tiger with their bare hands and kill it, then they can eat it.
We don't want anyone to die, because that would be slightly sick. Therefore, if one of the participants manages to get in a scuffle with one or more of the tigers, we will do our best to grab the participant before they are badly maimed. We expect to lose 8 participants with this test. We do have to make sure it is 4 men and 4 women who get kicked off the show. Hell, it won't be live so we can edit the video, and nobody will know the difference.
Down to 6 participants. We will safely put the remaining folks in the freezer while we round up the tigers.
The first person to develop frostbite will be kicked off the show.
The first person who pounds on the locked freezer door asking for medical help for the person with frostbite will be kicked off the show.
16 down, 4 to go.
Again, we will allow them no food. After we notice that they are really hungry, we are going to have a bunch of old ladies offering the participants samples of assorted food. The old ladies will offer these samples to the participants every five minutes. The first person to break down and accept a sample will be kicked off the show. We will be down to either 2 women/1 man, or 2 men/1 woman. This is working out quite nicely.
We will now have the 2 same sex people try to find a strand of spaghetti that we hid in the store. Whoever finds it stays. We are now down to a man and a woman.
They will marry, of course. We will give this lucky couple $100.00 and a years supply of Lean Cuisine entrees, and send them on a lovely un-chaperoned boat trip back to their country.
This could be a huge hit. We just want to contribute more to the dumbification of American TV. I think I might have made up a new word there. "Dumbification".
That's it. I don't want to type anymore.
COMING NEXT: Stuff about things I might have seen.
if you find this offensive and you want to give him a "Good Ass-Whuppin." Lunatic Ravings! (07/27/00)
Lunatic Ravings! (07/27/00)
By "Steven Johnson"
So, Rick Rockwell is suing a "stalker" that stepped on his foot? I am so stunned that I really can't say anything else. Wait a minute......................someone is actually stalking Rick Rockwell?
We have decided to boycott Subway until they drop Jared as their spokesperson. Notice how I was PC with that. I said "spokesperson", not "spokesman". We do our best to be fucking politically correct around here.
Contrary to the current commercial, Jared is not "buff" nor will he ever be. Jared is a geek. Our research team has discovered that the girl on the commercial who called Jared "buff" was under the influence of either airplane glue or crack. There is also the possibility that she was paid to say that, but we highly doubt it.
Now we have 5 companies/sites that we are boycotting:
5. Cox Communications
These places will not get any of our valuable business until they shape up. They know what to do. It is now up to them.
Stephen King has given us an idea. If he can request that people send him in $1.00 to download his new story off the internet, then there is no reason why we can't request something too.
We will write 2 words. If you read those 2 words, we would like for you to send us in a pen. A simple Bic pen would suffice. Like Stephen, we are going to operate on the honor system here.
If enough people read those two words and send us pens, then we will write a couple more words. If everything works out well, we will have a lot of pens and will be able to complete the sentence!!!
For further details, email the webmaster of this site.
I like to eat hot & spicy Cheez-It's and drink Mountain Dew cause it makes my tongue tingle. Hee, hee.
Hey, kids! Don't forget to fire up your printers!!! The new abridged history of the world is debuting very soon!!! Go ahead and fall asleep in history class!! We will have everything you need to know right here!!!
COMING NEXT: An update on the movie!!!!
Lunatic Ravings 2000 . Lunatic Ravings 2001
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