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TheWeirdcrap.com offers an outlet for Bel Garion. Which is good because it keeps him off the streets.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Who Gets The Bronze?

Ket Darby’s commentary on God’s Silver Medal made a little too much sense, so I asked God about it.

God: “Yes and No. Ket is obviously insane.”

Saint Garion: “What?”

God: “The Jews were definitely my first chosen people and if they wanted me back I’d take them, but they don’t. That isn’t to say I’d leave anyone else, just that it is they who have left me. When it occurred to me that I wasn’t reaching the Jews anymore, a fact made evident when they killed my fucking son, which by the way turned me off of this killing think altogether, I sought to connect with a new people, preferably beginning with one less sane than the last. Paul…”

Saint Garion (interrupting): “Ket isn’t insane.”

God looked at Saint Garion and waited.

Saint Garion: “Rather, er… more accurate to say that he isn’t a danger to himself or others?”

And the Lord said unto Saint Garion: “The insane CAN perceive the divine, but most of the time, don’t do much with it. Sometimes however they can be very loud, and very convinced of what they believe. People like this usually make excellent choices for Sainthood, Heads of State, or founding a Church or two. Take Paul for example, crazy bastard.”

God: “I’d like to continue if that’s OK.”

Saint Garion: “Sure.”

God: “Let us just say that if Christians get the Silver Medal, and the Jews get the Gold Medal, then the Muslims have gotten the bronze… they are merely the third example of a people whom I reached out to, to make a connection with humanity, only to have you assholes… Well everybody will get a little green ribbon and that’s about it.”

Saint Garion: “I think I’ve been eating too much fucking goat cheese.”

God: “Those humans who are sane cannot perceive the divine, because to do so will do horrible things to your fragile minds. More often than not, sane people become misguided because of this disconnect with me, the divine. They use the power of the message to control others, many times believing that they are helping. In the end all you get is a lot of people trying to control each other while killing or oppressing them.”

Saint Garion: “I can’t remember the last time I had a good shit.” God looked at me again and waited. “Please continue… So who goes to heaven?

God: “In my infinite mercy, I’ll probably just say that the Lord died for everyone, let all the nice folks in and send most of you fucking assholes to hell, no offense but it isn’t looking very good for anybody at the moment; Children, the Insane-Who-Know, the Sane-Who-Do-No-Harm, and Puppies - they'll make it into heaven.”

Saint Garion: “Puppies? The Lord didn’t die for puppies.”

And the Lord who is a Puppy: “Ahem… Do I need to call in another dove?”

Saint Garion: “No that’s ok. Fresh out of goat cheese anyway.”

And the Lord who was a disappointed puppy went into his litter box.