Editor's note:
This column started off as helpful hints for the ladies but has turned into the life story of a whore. For that,
we're very sorry because nobody cares about a whore. Well, except Bob. He cares about anyone he pays to have sex
with. Actually, it doesn't have to be a human or even animate. Bob will happily pay in order to have sex with a
rock with a painted on happy face. That's kind of sick, but what can we do? Anyway, sorry about Melissa's column
but there's nothing we can do. Just ask Bob and he'll tell you what Melissa's lawyer told us and why we can't fire
and/or kill her.)
I am finally rid of Dana!!!
I was wandering around town trying to find some scraps to eat when I noticed a porn magazine lying in a trash bin.
Since I like to read while Dana breast feeds because it takes my mind off the pain of having my body sucked dry,
I picked up the magazine thrilled that I would have something to read.
As soon as I got home, Dana tackled me and started feeding. I started to read my new magazine and came across an
ad offering money to people who want to take part in scientific experiments.
I was so happy! This would give me the chance to make a bit of money and get rid of my child, so the next day I
tied a rope around Dana's neck so he couldn't escape and off to town we went!!!
I found the business conducting the experiments and after a long question and answer period, they took Dana and
gave me $17.00!! I left quickly without looking back even though Dana started crying but I figured that they would
feed the little monster.
I guess it's a little bit crude what I did, but I swear that I did it out of love. Even though the scientists will
be spraying hairspray directly into Dana's eyes to gauge the severity of the pain, I figure that this is something
that we need to know so that we don't accidentally spray something into our own eyes. And for $17.00 at this point
in my life I'd be willing to sell anything.
Tomorrow I'm going back to the bar and ask for my job back. Life's looking up for me now!!!!
See ya!!!
NEXT WEEK: More about
me!!!
Email Melissa!
webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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