Ask Bob

By Bob Senitram

Brian’s busy and can’t write today’s column, so I’m filling in.

The following is a true story, which only a parent can identify with. I warn you, if you have a weak stomach, if you have not scrapped baby poo off your hand while changing a diaper, if you breath air…do not read the following:

I was home alone with baby-gurl (3 yrs) when I put her down for a nap. A half hour later I go upstairs and notice her door is open so I went to check it out.

There she was sitting on a pillow in the middle of the floor. I thought, “Huh?!” Then I noticed a mess on the floor. I looked closer at the hall floor and noticed a similar mess all over the carpet. I turned on the light.

The entire room was smeared with shit. From the hall to her room, from the door to baby-gurl, from baby-gurl to the window, everywhere shit. Shit, shit, shit. She had shit on her legs, on her arms up her elbow, on the pillow, everywhere shit. Shit, shit, shit.

I was speechless, I had no idea what to do, but decided the first priority was to clean the kid. I picked her up under her arms, carried her to the bathtub, and hosed her down with a shower hose like a zoo animal. Using anti-bacteria soap I cleaned her up.

I threw the clothes away, opened the windows, and proceeded to clean the piles and smears of shit on the carpet. I opened my bedroom door to open the window when I found a whole new path of shit-prints. This encouraged me to investigate with a vigor I hadn’t experienced since I studied the unfortunate remains of “Sally the throw up girl”.

This is the summary of my analysis:

She went to the hall to go to the bathroom, when an unexpected bout of diarrhea hit and hit hard. Shit spilled out her pull-up and onto the floor. At this point, she turned from the bathroom that she regularly goes to and headed toward my room to use my bathroom. It was possibly an immediate attempt, of a three year old, to hide the incident.

Halfway in my room it appears more diarrhea like poop spilled out, she continued toward our bathroom, stepped in some crap and slipped and fell (a foot print spear). This must have been how she got it on her elbows. Then she continued toward our bathroom but turned around before she went in and headed back toward her room. For an unknown reason, she headed toward her window, turned around and sat down in the middle of the room until I arrived.

Using rags, a carpet cleaner, and a brush, I cleaned until about 11pm that night. It was frustrating and horribly smelly. But I really couldn’t be mad at her, because it seemed like it couldn’t be helped.

Aaahhh, the joys of parenthood.

And now you know!