Ask Bob

Well, here I am finishing up another shitfaced night, this time in the lovely city of Baltimore. I've had several columns in this section now, both just happen to be "follies" of this or that, but now it's time for something a bit different, only because this town sucks ass. Honestly, aside from the waterfront, this is just another city that can suck my balls. It's filthy and bum infested...my kind of town, if I was in the mood for it. But, instead of brilliant stories of my drunken fiasco's here, I'll reflect on how I now how have transportation on the road.

I'd been out here with the circus for a year at this point, and it was high time I brought my truck out with me. It's nothing special, just a '95 Ford truck with a bit of character, which I don't keep up too well (the truck I mean...the character maintains itself). With this piece of shit my only intention is keeping it running, like most of us with our relative pieces of shit. To get my truck I took a train from D.C. to pick it up in VA.

First off, trains aren't what they used to be. Point "A" to point "B"...that shit doesn't exist anymore apparently. Every 10 fucking minutes the conductor was yelling into the speakers, "Next stop, go fuck yourselves", or wherever we were. Mind you, this trip started at 6am for me, and was a 4 hour railride. By the end of the journey I could have skull fucked the conductor with a tire iron. Son of a bitch. But, this story isn't about me and the decline of the rail revolution...yet.

I get to my stop, and there's no doubt that I'm there, I'd been waiting for it for an eternity. Eyes wide open, fighting back a heart attack from the relentless announcing of the fact that anywhere existed between D.C. and VA, I felt like taking a bullhorn and poiting it into the conductors ear and just yelling, "THANKS FOR THE RIDE FUCKFACE, HOPE YOU MAKE THE REST OF THE STOPS AS MEMORABLE FOR EVERYONE ELSE". And then...there's my drunken pop waiting for me, right on cue.

This man, my dad, has got to be one of the greatest people on the face of the planet. He allways seems to fuck everything up, but when you need him, he's there. I see him, with his camera in hand, he's now an amatuer photographer in his old age, and of course I'm thinking, "fuck, dad, no photos, it's 10am". But, no worry folks, I never saw his finger on the trigger. Now that I think about it, he doesn't have a single photo of any person in his slides. I later did find out he won an award for a photo of my train pulling in...he called it "the long black train", and it made him a few bucks. On the flip side, if any one of you have done your homework, the "long black train" is the analogy for the ride to hell...drugs, gambling, etc. Well, that was the train I was on when he took that photo...fucking rat bastard.

I'll skip all of the crazy bullshit going on in my hometown, but I will reflect on the fact that my truck may or may not have been inspected by Larry and Moe. The hillbilly redneck fat-ass that worked on my truck had actually tried to figure out why the "check engine" light was on. I'd even told him that it'd been on for 10 years, but no, he had to fuck with it. Well, it turns that part of it was because I had a major carbon monoxide leak. He even went on to point out that if I hadn't been in FL since I bought it, always having the windows down, that I may be pushing up tulips by now. You'd think that someone would have shit my pants just then, but none of that really bothered me. I asked him if he fixed my truck, and he said yes. I drove away.

I was heading up I-95 towards D.C., all excited to have my own method of transportation with the travelling circus. I thought about all of the remote titty bars and adult video stores I'd be able to frequent in every city...you know, the good ones that aren't smack downtown...and BAM! There was a slight shake to the truck. I looked at the dash, and I shit you not, the "check engine" light came on right in front of me.

What could I do?

Fuckgoddanmmotherfuckersuckmyballsshitcunt.

I rolled down my window, let the fumes out, and went on my way.

Brian