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Ask Bob:
The weekly events of a lazy idiot as he stumbles through life, looking for answers to questions that nobody has.

Friday, April 15, 2005


Three Guys Named Moe

Despite my misgivings, I share my expenses with my girlfriend. We share our money.

“Money: A medium that can be exchanged for goods and services and is used as a measure of their values on the market, including among its forms a commodity such as… a deposit in a checking account or other readily liquefiable account.”

The definition was supplied by yourdictionary.com (although they did misspell liquefiable). Liquefiable, best describes how I feel right now about my paycheck. The woman, also known as “the bitch”, went out and got two credit cards, maximized their limits, and now, unable to make the payments in secret, has told me about their existence. This woman of mine refuses to maintain a checking account because she recognizes that she is completely irresponsible with money. I have been calm. I have been patient. I have taken the credit cards and cut them in half. I have seen a puppy playing in a golf course. But most importantly, I have seen boobies. Boobies, as you all know make everything OK. Without boobies (and soapy boobies) all would be death and blood and messy flesh strewn about the living room. There would be police around saying things like, “I wonder what set him off,” and “Why did he kill the neighbor too?”

While I was off on this fancy, she explained (to make me feel better) that she took out the credit cards to accommodate for the decrease in income she took when leaving her job in ‘cube-vile’ for a job with an income that is OK when you are in high school, making coffee. Borrowed money, at a high rate, to accommodate for an absence of income. I told her to go to her bank and attempt to get another card with a lower rate so that the balance could be transferred, and paid off. They explained to her that she was over extended. She attempted to explain to me that she got the cards to “improve” her credit.

“Credit,” according to yourdictionary.com, is “Reputation for solvency and integrity entitling a person to be trusted in buying or borrowing -or- (interestingly enough) to believe in or trust.” I attempted to explain that CREDIT is what the guys with big heads like to call ‘enforced savings’ and that she had not understood this when she got the cards, and that “improving” her credit meant that she was attempting to show that she was capable of setting aside or saving money, which is something which she has never ever been able to do.

"Improve your credit by paying your own damn bills," is what I really, really, want to say. She called me just now from her “job” to tell me that she had, in actuality exceeded the limit on one of her cards by one hundred and fifty dollars. I think I may beat the neighbors after all. And yes, all three of them go by the name “Moe”.


Coming Next: Bob strikes back

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"Insanity has found a home."