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Song in my head:
"Hey teacha',
leave them kids alone…"
- KORN -
I went to the store today. I had a list that said "juice" and "bread", simple enough I thought.
Somehow this small list turned into a $104.96 purchase. I guess, along the way I picked up items that either
looked like we needed, looked tasty, or had a brightly colored package.
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"Attractive bandanas that say, "I'm pretty, I have class, ... and I'm
in a gang." |
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When I got to the counter I presented a "Baker's" discount card (Baker's is a local chain store). The
counter person looked at he card then rolled her eyes up to look at me and said, "Sir, your - like...at Wynne
Dixie? (another local chain)"
For some reason I felt the need the verify and checked the name on the window. It was indeed a "Wynne Dixie"
store. I put the card back in my pocket. I was a little embarrassed but I felt better when I farted all the way
home.
For some while now, I've been getting real "gassey." It wouldn't be so bad if it was just gas, but my
stomach growled really, really, really, really, REALLY LOUD! So loud, folks close by would turn their heads suddenly
when it growled. Last week, on my way to my car, my stomach set off a car alarm.
I went to the doctor for a solution, but every test he ran came out negative. In the meantime, he gave me a prescription
of Nexium to settle my stomach. On my last office visit he sat down next to me and said in a very quite, serious
tone, "Maybe your just gross."
I farted.
"Yup, that must be it." I agreed.
If you haven't been reading this column for the last five years, you may have missed my column, which reveals what
Martha Stewart is really like. What's unusual is that it was
written back in 2001, when she was in the height of her popularity. I wasn't surprised that she ended up in jail.
`
The really big news is the new magazine. The old one was called "Martha Stewart - Living." The new
and improved version is renamed as "Martha Stewart - Survivin'." Its chocked full of helpful street-wise
articles. Here are a few examples:
How to decorate your low-rider using everyday items lying around the house.
- Attractive bandanas that say, "I'm pretty, I have class, ... and
I'm in a gang."
- You got to let him know..."I ain't no hoe!"
- Picking a house that provides maximum drive-by protection.
- Tactful ways to tell your mother you just shoot your brother.
and our favorite
- How to tell your homie you want him to fuck you like an animal ... with
your wardrobe.
AND NOW YOU KNOW!
COMING NEXT: I
pretty much forgot what I wrote for next week!
Email Bob!
webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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