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Song in my head:
"Corrina, Corrina,
where you been today..."
- Thurston Harris -
Our 2 1/2 yr old daughter, known to you as Baby Gurl, has a kitty puppet that she loves to hold up to me and say,
"Do Kitty. Do Kitty! DO KITTY!!!"
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"...if I constructed a time machine, I could go back in time and smoke my
last cigarette all over again." |
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At that point the appropriate response is to put the kitty puppet on and do some sort of entertaining monologue.
This was fun at first, but after several weeks and 297 kitty performances later, its starting to get old. I consider
myself creative, but I'm running out of material! I think I'll just hid the puppet.
Speaking of Baby Gurl, the other day we went to the mall and I forgot to put training pants on the kid. Now she
usually wears underwear, but I don't like to take her out in public unless she's got the diaper backup. The kid
says, she's got to potty and fifteen seconds later, her pants are soaked right down to her shoes. I hardly had
any warning, it was like Pearl Harbor!
Actually, I can't remember why I started telling you about this, so I'll go on to viewer mail!
Last week I started to answer a question from "Chris". He wants to know why every girl he meets seems
insane. Well like all things bad and evil, you need to trace it to the source. As everyone knows the source of
all things evil, is Stephen Johnson.
It all started many years ago when I ran out of cigarettes. I had the brilliant idea that if I constructed a time
machine, I could go back in time and smoke my last cigarette all over again. This would save me a great deal of
money, in the long run, and eventually the savings would pay for the investment. So I quit my job to begin working
on the project. Ten years later, I had completed the first prototype and it was ready for testing (I was dying
for a smoke).
Just then, Stephen walks in and asks what's goin' on. I explain, but before I could finish, he jumps in the pilot
seat and starts turning dials and flipping switches with the mindless abandon that he if famous for. It turns out
he just came from "Crack Whore Village" and he wanted to...we'll lets just say he wanted to save three
dollars and re-live some experiences.
That idiot went so far back in time, that we reached the point that Bug-eyed aliens were altering monkey DNA in
order to create the first humans. Now in the Bug-eyed community, the female of the species was somewhat less masculine
than the males of the Bug-eyed race.
Turns out all them Earth monkeys were very aggressive, and they just couldn't get the DNA alterations right to
make a more feminine monkey. Enter Stephen Johnson on the Earth terrain in his time machine. Curious, they take
him up to their spaceship to study. Turns out Stephen had all the qualities they were looking for in a primitive
female, feminine monkey, so they take his DNA and mix it with Earth Monkey DNA to create the first female Human/Monkey.
But there was one thing they hadn't counted on...
Stephen is as insane as he is stupid.
As a result, all human females evolved with Stephen's "crazy"
DNA, which means very little of what they say will ever make sense. Except, of course, to Stephen, who fully understands
female-crazy-talk, when they want to express they feelin's.
And that's the dang-blame truth, or my name ain't Bob Senitram!
COMING NEXT: TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Email Bob!
webmaster@theweirdcrap.com |
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