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Ask Bob - 12/03/04
By Bob
Senitram
Posted each Friday
Save your soul, send Bob an email, or money!
Ask Bob! |
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Song in my head:
"Oooooh...I can't go for that,
NOOO-oooo-OOOO-ooo, no can do..."
- Hall & Oats -
Many
Some
One of you may recall, I found the Jesus in the year of
our lord, 2001!
But then, somewhere between Joplin, and St. Louis I done lost him again. So here it is X-mass and I ain't got no
Jesus to celebrate it with. This made me sad and I cried.
Oh, by the way, Happy Thanksgiving. Mine was real nice. I made the turkey myself. I just hope everyone can celebrate
the union of Native Americans and the White folks when they came to the America's.
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"...I figured, if none of the "other" members of the Jewish community
got enough balls to step up to the plate, then I'm just the man for the job! " |
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I don't know what you think about at Thanksgiving, but this is what I think about: The turkey represents the Native
Americans, and we are the white folks. We pick the turkey clean, then throw the bones away. Yep, that's real nice.
Anyways, forget about it. It's almost Christmas. But since I lost the Jesus, I was worried that my Christmas wouldn't
be so happy. Then someone at work reminded me that Christmas isn't really 'bout Jesus, it's about commercialism!
But I'm a God-Damn communist, so where does that leave me! Nowhere, If I get anymore depressed I just may have
to pay a visit to Crack-Whore Village for Christmas.
Then my prayers were answered by a dear sweet Mormon who came for a visit. He explained that according to Mormon
doctrine, Mexican Indians (Aztecs) are actually a lost tribe of Israel that floated across the Atlantic in banana
boats. That makes me, Bob Senitram, one of the "chosen" people.
Then I figured, if none of the "other" members of the Jewish community got enough balls to step up to
the plate, then I'm just the man for the job!
You guessed it....I, Bob Senitram, am the self proclaimed Messiah!
If your Christian, forget about the Jesus, he's old news. I'm here and now!
If your Jewish, I HAVE ARRIVED!!! Tell your friends.
If your of another religion, go ahead and join the my group, you're invited!!!!
I'm calling it "The New Christian-Jewish Review, and friends!" See? The "..and
friends" includes you too. I think it's a catchy name and
it will sound good on TV. Plus as an added bonus, my birthday is on Christmas!
Now for the rules. No man or woman may approach the gates of heaven, least they go through me. Since I don't want
to die for nobody's sins, I decided I would charge a cover. This would help people get into heaven in a nice, easy,
efficient manner and I would get rich, which is the goal of all religious leaders (I've been watching the religious
TV shows).
Any ways, if any of you are interested in a free pass to heaven, send me your credit card number to the link below
and I'll charge the card the amount you specify. There's no set fee, just pay what you think it's worth. But beware,
since I am now all-knowing, if you pay less that what you really think it's worth, I'll know, you won't get in,
and I'll still charge your card.
For those who expect me to heal the sick or raise the dead...FORGET
ABOUT IT.
I'm not that kind of Messiah.
COMING NEXT:
Bob uses his divine powers!
Ask Bob a Question!
webmaster@theweirdcrap.com |
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