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Ask Bob - 11/19/04
By Bob
Senitram
Posted each Friday
THE ANSWERS TO LIFE'S MYSTERIES ARE JUST AN EMAIL
AWAY!
Ask Bob! |
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Song in my head:
"I pledge allegance, to the flag, of the United States of...
SHELLY! SHELLY-SHELLY! SHELLY..."
- South Park -
Song in my head:
"I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of...
SHELLY! SHELLY-SHELLY! SHELLY..."
- South Park -
I know the song in my head is lame, but that's all I got. For those of you who haven't been reading this column
since 1912...every morning I wake up with a random song in my head. It's just what I wake up hearing.
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"...the Almighty Snuff-a-luffogus made the universe by waving his magic Joo-Joo
stick, after he was poked in the eye by a..." |
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Sometimes I don't even like the song. And no, I don't use a radio alarm. That would be cheating. My alarm is a
buzzer.
Enough about that nonsense, here's this weeks question (our tag board thingy broke, so the questions listed here
is by memory:
Andrew from USA?
Why does the lightning make the goo in my pool look green.
Dear Andrew,
Unless your taking big dumps in your pool and the "goo"
is brown, chances are, the goo is already green.
But why? Science books would simply explain this away by suggesting that single celled microorganisms that are
photosynthetic live in your pool. As they multiply, their numbers appear as "goo" to the naked eye. Green
is the preferred color for many photosynthetic organisms.
At least that's what the government controlled, propaganda, liberal-driven, science books would have you to believe.
But if you believe the crap, you'll start believing in evolution, and people evolved from monkeys! We all know
that the Almighty Snuff-a-luffogus made the universe by waving his magic Joo-Joo stick, after he was poked in the
eye by a super-tall giraffe who was chewing on a tootsie pop.
The creation of universe made the giraffe loose count of tootsie pop licks, which made him angry, which made him
evil, which made him into the devil!
Then they try to tell us that these microorganisms and viruses get us sick instead of monkey-headed demons. Then,
they say these microorganisms are all over, on door handles, on the floor, in raw chicken, even in poop! I tell
you this, with George Bush as my witness, if eating poop got someone sick, then that just means the person who
pooped ... IS A SINNER!
This is exactly why I only eat the poop of good Christian women during my private, sinless, sexual encounters.
Don't believe the liberal government's explanation of these "microorganisms." That green in your pool
is none other than Satan's minion of envy. You must have coveted your neighbor's wife, or had sinful thoughts of
envy. This gave Satan's helper the power he needed to grow in your pool. The lightning gives him more power, which
is why Satan's helper seems "greener" when the lightning hits.
Don't listen to what others tell you. You don't need a net to scoop out the pool. You don't need bleach to clean
that pool. You don't need a pool cleaner. What you need is the Holy Bible of Greenwich!
Take good ol' George W. as an example, he don't need no "advisors" or "experts" to help him
make decisions about what to do with Iraq or the economy, he does just like me! He puts a nice piece of cheese
on his head, chews on some raw bacon and quotes the white right to righteousness as written by the enchanted Snuff-a-luffogus
while floating on a rain cloud above the land of Honna-Lee.
Now you take yourself a floatation device, go to the middle of the pool and pray! That goo will fade into nothing.
You'll be glad you did!
COMING NEXT:
Bob helps a girl with "guy trouble"!
Ask Bob a Question!
webmaster@theweirdcrap.com |
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