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Ask Bob - 11/12/04
By Bob
Senitram
Posted each Friday
THE ANSWERS TO LIFE'S MYSTERIES ARE JUST AN EMAIL
AWAY!
Ask Bob! |
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Song in my head:
"I get knocked down!
But I get up again..."
- Chumba-Wumba -
I was amazed the other day when I got an invitation for my 200th class re-union! First of all, I had no idea I
was that old. Second, I had no idea I had graduated from high school! Then I realized it wasn't my name on the
invitation.
I wrote on the back of the invitation,
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"...in the process, the doctor's accidentally changed me from an African
American Princess to a Hispani-cano..." |
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"Anxious to see you all soon!" and sent it to the RSVP address. I plan to attend, it will be fun pretending
that I am Cashaundra Witherspoon, and I've been working out all week in hopes that my pretend classmates will recognize
me.
I think they may notice that I am a Hispanic male and not a Black African American woman, so I made up a story
that I had to get a sex change in order to save my baby's life! Then, in the process, the doctor accidentally
lightened my skin (just like Michael's) and changed me from an African American Princess to a Hispani - cano.
This explains the change (if anyone asks), and makes me into a hero for saving the baby! All at the same time!
I'm still struggling with what to call myself. The term Hispanic encompasses many Spanish races, which is good
because we increase our numbers by using a term that unites us all. However, I feel my Mexican-American roots
are ignored with that term. Chicano, was a term used to express Mexican pride back in the seventies. However,
with that term, I loose the unity of my Spanish brothers.
I decided to unite the two terms and have the best of both worlds. First I came up with Chicani-can, but that
sounded like something sold at Taco-Bell, so I decided to go with "Hispani - cano," which I think is
better than Chicanican, but still sounds like a stomach ailment..."Can't come to work today boss, I got a
bad case of the hispanicano's."
Oh well, a black hispanicano princess with a baby-saving sex change is what I'm gonna be next week. Maybe I'll
change my story and tell people that I found a magic Joo-Joo stick and it put my mind into someone else's body.
I'm not sure which one sounds more believable, but I'll go with one of the two.
I've been thinking about it really hard and have jotted down every idea that comes to mind. Anyway, today I am
not trying to come up with a way to explain why I'm someone I'm not, today I am writing my column on a legal pad
in the comfort of my living room. I scan the legal pad to an image file, then send the image via email to TheWeirdcrap.com's
editor. I don't even type it down, that's how God-Damn lazy I am. Least that's what they tell me.
Now I'm almost finished with my article but I've ran out of ideas and I have another half page to fill. I glance
at my wife for inspiration. She is sitting in front of the window with the setting sun shinning in her bown hair.
She's just sitting there, not reading, not watching TV. Just sitting...beautiful.
Now a tremendous belch comes out of her and the neighbor's car alarm goes off. Whew! It was just gas. For a minute
I thought she was imagining what life would be like if she had married a man with a higher IQ.
Hey look, I've reached the bottom of the page. I guess this column is finished.
COMING NEXT:
I begin another column unprepared!
Ask Bob a Question!
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