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Ask Bob - 11/05/04
By Bob
Senitram
Posted each Friday
THE ANSWERS TO LIFE'S MYSTERIES ARE JUST AN EMAIL
AWAY!
Ask Bob! |
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Song in my head:
"I'm not a perfect peeerssssooon,
I never meant to do those things to you..."
- Stupid-Stank -
One comment about the song in my head. I feel I am the perfect
person. This is because imperfection is part of the human equation;
therefore, if you make errors, you are not perfect - but you are a perfect person, because the definition of a
person is a human, and a human is prone to error.
Just as predicted by me, the great pretender, George Bush has won the election. I have written article after article
explaining why no one in their right mind should vote for good ol' "W", but my actual goal was the exact
opposite of what you may have believed!
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"...if George Bush stayed in office, he would create havoc to the U.S. economy...then
the interest rates will plummet and I can save 'big money.'" |
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I have to come clean, I wanted George Bush to win the whole time. And here's why; I knew if George Bush stayed
in office, he would create havoc to the U.S. economy. As a result, in about 18 months, in a desperate attempt
to help the economy, the interest rates will plummet. When this happens, I will be able to re-finance my house
and save at least $250 per month...which will go directly into my pocket.
Even though millions of people read this column per month, I figured if I supported Bush, those visitors will do
the exact opposite of what I say. Then in a very close election, Bush will get the few million votes from TheWeirdcrap.com
readers, and I will save "Big Money!!!"
You see, it's all about me.
To the hundreds of thousands of U.S. citizens who will live in extreme poverty as a result of my self centered-ness,
I apologize. To the thousands of US soldiers who will die as a result of Bush and my self centered-ness, I'm sorry.
Speaking of me, today I found some orange stuff on the seat of my pants. Now that I think about it, every time
I left a room, at work, folks laughed quietly. Now I know why. But what I didn't know is, what the heck did I
sit in to get and orange splotch on my pants? So I gave it the old taste test.
Tasted like Orange frosting. Earlier in the day I had an cookie with Orange frosting, a piece must have fallen
off and somehow got wedged under the seat of my chair.
If that's not enough, when I got some coffee to eat with the cookie, there wasn't any left in the company coffee
pot. Then I noticed all these cups of coffee in the break room that were half filled with cold coffee that nobody
wanted, and here I was with no coffee in my cup and none in the pot. I thought about it, and came to the conclusion
that filling up my cup with the left over coffee would be way better than making a new pot. So that's what I did.
The next day I got some kind of flu bug...some bastard had the flu and had the audacity not to empty their cup!!!
DAMN THEM!!! So that's why the column was late this week, I was under the weather.
To make matters worse, today I put my underwear on inside-out today and just couldn't get comfortable. I guess
to the woman folk, this makes no difference. But to the man folk, it makes a whole lot o' difference. That's
cause the mans underwear has this secret tunnel in the underwear that if you take an extra 20 minutes during a
urination, you can guide your "works" through the tunnel and take a pee. But if you wear the stuff inside-out,
your works will wiggle its way right out through that secret passage in the front.
Once that happens, the only thing between you and your co-workers are a thin layer of pants. This made me very
uncomfortable and I thought you should all know about it.
COMING NEXT:
What about that Joo-Joo stick?
Ask Bob a Question!
webmaster@theweirdcrap.com |
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