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Song in my head:
"I don't care what they may say, I don't care what they may do,
Jesus is just alright with me..."
- DC Talk -
Now I know it is common knowledge I was supposed to talk about the similarities of ex-President Bush and ex-Rocker
Ozzy, but somethin' had come up and I just can't resist tellin' you about it!
But first I got me a small confession I feel obliged to make. Since 2000, I've been tellin' you folks that I is
from the great city of Omaha, NE, right here in the good ol' USA. Well it turns out I been lyin' all this time.
Yup, I'm a big fat liar...I just can't continue with this charade another day. I am from the outskirts of Alabama.
And that is gods own truth.
Now that the cat's out of the bag, I got to tell you about myself...my real self. I am 35 years old and I live
with my Momma, grandpa, and little sister. Well we gotta pump the water into our house manually and it comes from
natural well water. The only problem is, we ain't got no cesspool tank. Nope, couldn't afford it. We did dig
a big hole in the back yard and covered it with wood, then covered the wood with dirt (about 4 inches thick).
It's kinda like a natural tank.
Now this here is the problem, every once in a while, that funk, from the cesspool tank, leaks into the ground water.
Then when we use the natural funk water to wash with, we often get blemishes, pimples, and boils on our faces
and other body parts.
Now bein' natural go-getters, we done made a game out of this misfortune, so's not to feel bad about it. We have
a contest to see who can develop a biggest boil, and who-ever wins, don't have to skin the roadkill or coons for
one month!
Turned out this week, I won. You see, a few years ago I had diarreaha and constipation at the same time. Got
to the point that I couldn't stand it, and like my hero Elvis I got me on the toilet and pushed and pushed and
pushed 'til I passed out. When I woke up I my bowels were emptied, but not in the normal way. Somehow them pipes
got all crossed and in a desperate attempt to empty my body of the soupy-slosh, all that diarreah went and emptied
into my scrotum 'til I had basketball sized testicles filled with juicy-juice.
Now all this pushin' went and created what the doctor called an "anal fistula." Now I don't know much
about science, but I do know, anytime you got the words "anal" and "fist" in the same sentence,
you know it ain't good.
But I didn't know all this at the time, all I know is two years later I ended up with the biggest, hugesest boil
and man had ever seen. It hurt, but the excitement of not having to skin roadkill was too great.
I ran into the living room bare naked, as the good lord intended, turned my backside toward Momma and bent over
yelling, "Momma, Momma, Lookieeeeeeee-heeeeeeeeeeere...what a boil!!!
Then between my legs I saw momma was a courtin' one of her man friends. I just smiled, said my hello's and walked
up to my room.
And now you know!
Coming Next: Bush
and Ozzy?
Ask Bob a Question!
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