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Song in my head:
"She whispered in my ear, somethin' craaazy,
she said, 'Spill da wine, dig dat gir-er-erl...'"
- Eric Burton and War -
About four years ago, I wrote an television special called "The Wonder Years Reunion." I sent it in to
FOX, but go no reply, possibly because I forgot the main character's names. I never really watched the show too
much, so they never stook. I did see an entire episode once, and I got the general idea.
But it would be a horrible crime to let such a wonderful and meaningful work of art go to waste, so I've decided
to present to you...The Weird Crap audience....
THE WONDER YEARS: A REUNION
The kid's 17 now, and his sister got "knocked-up" about 3 years ago. As the story begins the Mom and
Dad chatter with the kid about watching his nephew, because they are going out on the town. His sister aint around
because she's doin' time for doin' tricks.
The kid puts the other kid to bed and decides to watch some TV. Just then the phone rings.
"Hello, __(insert the family's name here)__ residence."
"Hello, kid...I just want you know that I'm watching you..." comes the creepy reply.
The kid shows a surprised expression, which the camera goes in close up. Then he looks out into space as is he
is thinking...
Que the narrator:
"Something was familiar with that voice, but I just didn't know what. Maybe it was the fact that he was watching
me through a window. That sounded familiar. Besides, what's wrong if you happen to walk by a house and the lights
are on at night, and the shades are up and you look in. Really, what's so bad about that...
I remember when I was 13, I was walking home from Jr. High School basketball practice. It was fall, so it got dark
early. On the way home, I noticed Mrs. Miller's lights were on in the bed room and the shades were open. Now don't
get me wrong nothing really icky was going on, but she was an attractive newlywed, who lived down the street. About
24, I guess.
Now Mrs. Miller liked to go jogging in the evening, and this evening was no different. Well it just so happened,
that as I was walking by, she had just finished her exercises and was getting ready for a shower...at least that's
how I remember it. She slowly slipped her top off.
And there they were...two large, perfectly round melons.
I couldn't believe how perfect they were! It was hard to take my eyes off them...I mean honeydew melons are my
favorite...and there, on the table, in bowl, were two perfect specimens sitting next to a banana and an apple.
WOW-ZIEEE, WOW, WOW!!!
My attention was distracted my Mrs. Millers naked body. I think she knew I was out there, because she looked toward
the window, gave a little smile, leaned forward, and coupling her personals together and gave it a little shake...at
least that's the way I remembered it.
That's when I heard it, Jimmy...laughing uncontrollably.
I looked down only to see the largest....
"Auuuugggghhhhhhh......"
I felt a sharp sting in my back, and remembered that this narration had gone way too long.
"Die, mother-fucker, die, die" The man in the "scream" mask yelled as he slashed the knife
into my back over and over.
And now you know!
COMING NEXT:
What's it all about Alphie?!
Ask Bob a Question!
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