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Song in my head:
"She bang, she bang,
'mumble-mumble," she bang, SHE BANG..."
- The Bullum-Head-Boy from American Idol -
Since my sinuses are actin' up, real fierce like, I got no desire to write nuthin' for you guys! So we're featuring
THE VERY BEST OF SENITRAM!
Since the song in my head is from a bullum-head-boy, I thought this column from 05/29/00 would be appropriate:
June Pulsifer from Berkeley, CA asks:
"What's a bullum-head?"
Put simply, a bullum-head is a term used by any decent country folk to describe a person with an odd shaped, or
an unusually large sized forehead or skull. For example, I'll put it in a sentence so you'll get a feel for how
it's used...
"No siree, Mr. Officer-Sir, I couldn't get a good look at em' on account he had on one of them ski masks pulled
up over his head...but he did have bullum-head. Yup' a great big bullum head. That much I know fer shure!"
Now a lot of people think that a bullum-head is some sort of genetic abnormality or the result of an alcoholic
doctor delivering a baby when he has the shakes and squeezing too tight on the forceps, which squishes the baby's
head into some odd shape.
But I know better.
Most bullum-heads come from the same geographic location. For example, examine the oddly shaped head of David Letterman,
John Mellencamp, Gary Shandling, Royce Waltman, and yes even Abraham Lincoln.
What's in common? Bullum head, bullum head, bullum head, bullum head, bullum head. What else? They're all from
Indiana or Illinois, home of the bullum-head!!!
One may notice that the people with the most pronounced bullum-heads are also among the smartest and most successful.
Coincidence? I think not. But what made them this way?
The answer lies in the water towers of the Midwest. You see, contrary to popular belief, water towers were not
built for cities. Our cities and towns were built around these mysterious structures that were already there long
before us. All this is explained further in my book, published in 1988, called "Water Towers of the Gods,"
it's co-written by Eric Von Daniken. These bizarre structures were built hundreds of thousands of years in the
past by an advanced alien culture.
In fact, Native Americans had a name for them, far before the white man had ever settled down here. They called
them "Ooouiii-Ooouuuiii-Caleb-shooot," which translates in our white mans tongue as, "Big fucking
thing with water inside."
But why did the aliens build them? The answer can only be told by the aliens themselves. So me, Stephen and my
good buddy Jerome, got us a bunch of turpentine, paint remover, and rags, and headed down to Indiana and scrubbed
all the paint off these towers. We found an ancient alien script.
We think it means, "People of Earth, we are providing you with this great container of water, that is soft
and will help you get your clothes as white as white can be. Oh, by the way - we put in a special solution to make
you look like us. First, you will achieve great bullum-heads. When your appearance has matched ours then you will
be complete and we shall return."
That's why people with bullum-heads are so much smarter than everyone else...Alien DNA. Also, the only places on
Earth that produce one bullum-head per 100 persons is Indiana and Illinois!
The same places where these "Water Towers" lie.
The solution?
We must destroy all these Alien water towers and drop Nuclear Bombs on Indiana and Illinois. This is the only way
to get rid of the Future Alien Menace. If no one ever turns into these Aliens then the Aliens will never return
and the world will be safe.
Most normal people fear spiders, because they're from outer space too - just like normal people fear bullum heads,
cause they're from outer-space, and things from outer space are spooky.
And now you know!
COMING NEXT:
Sumthin' crawls right out of my butt!
Ask Bob a Question!
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