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Mercyperc writes:
How do you catch a monkey?
Dear Mercyperc,
Aw heck, you could learn about catching a monkey on the Internet. Right now, I'm at a computer that has instant
access on the Internet. All I gotta do, is type the question in Google, and see what comes out.
But first things first, I always say. Lets not get distracted from the real question here. Just what do you want
with a monkey? Probably some real freaky big city thing, like rubbing bananas and peanut butter on your personal
spots (like armpits) and then having the monkey lick it off you. You are one freaky bastard and I hope you die
in hell.
But let us not get distracted, even more. What is a monkey anyway? Basically it just a real stupid person with
a lot of hair. So why go through all the bother. Why not just collect yourself a really stupid person and make
them your friend. This way, when you get into your real freaky-shit, it won't be against the laws of God, and man,
you sick mutha-fucka.
Living in Nebraska, it's been my experience that anytime you got a burning cross goin' on, you're sure to attract
all sorts of real stupid folk. A lot of them are hill-billy's so they got lots of hair. Just like a monkey!
But when I got to thinkin' about it, I found that these folks might be bit dumber than a real monkey. So maybe
you need someone just a hair smarter. Then I remember that the Republicans will be havin' their big political meetin's
soon. That may be a good place to find some human-like missing links.
But Republicans are much too self centered and violent to ever take to your perverted instructions, you sick son
of a bitch. Plus, you always run the risk of catchin' a cross burner by mistake. So now it's back to the monkeys!
I figure the best way to learn is to do!
So I went out to capture a monkey. I must have walked three miles and didn't see a single one. On my way home,
I got a different idea. My neighbor has a Chihuahua dawg, which is small with brown fur, just like a monkey. So
I figure that would be good enough.
I went to my neighbor's house when they wer'nt home. All I had to do is walk over there, and the dog proceeded
to yip and yap and run around me for what seemed like hours. Then he got all tuckered out and just sat there in
front of me breathing heavy. I just dropped a bucket, that I had with me, on him.
He started yappin' again, but luckily, I could hardly hear him with that bucket on top. Then I decided to just
sit on that bucket until he quieted down. After about 20 minutes all was peaceful again and I peaked inside. He
didn't move so I figured he done tuckered himself right out and went to sleep. I took him home with no problem
Catchin' a monkey is that easy!
Turns out he never did get back up and after a couple of days he started gettin a little stanky. I guess I should
have put some air holes in the bucket. Anyways, I just shaved him on down with a razor, cut his head off and gutted
him like a chicken. Heck, them little dawgs aren't any bigger than a Cornish Game Hen. So I stuffed him with bread
and Jalapeno's and cooked him at 375 for about 45 minutes and served him with brown gravy.
Ya' know, he didn't taste all that bad.
And now you know!
COMING NEXT:
Diggin' that Jive Talkin'!
Ask Bob a Question!
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