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Ask Bob!
Song in my head: "...Tell me lies, Tell me sweet little lies..." - Fleetwood Mac - This is continued from last week. So now I gots to sell my big dietary idea, but when I get the calls from folks from my Thrifty Nickel ad, they all wants the diet to be FDA approved. I do the search on the Google to get the scoop on the FDA. They is controlled by the Gub-Ment. So the man is behind this...tryin' to make folks think I need the approval that I'll never get, 'cause the man hates the brotha's. The next call I get I try to explain, "Naw, naw, you don't need no FDA, they is controlled by the MAN, and you know the man only wants to hold you down. But they don't listen and they don't buy. So I had to give up the idea of "Pukin' and Coughin' off the Pounds." And you know it's all the man's fault. Now I know my original mission was the true calling. I must use my powers of sickness to defeat evil and Jerome is just the guy to help me do it. First I had to make a costume, so I got me some sweats, one for me and one for Jerome (who will help me take a bite out of crime). I decided to call myself "Chronic Cold" on account I always got the illness all winter, and we'll call Jerome "Puke Man," on account he's a crack addict and he throws up a lot when he's sick. I wanted to sew a big "CC" on my sweat's shirt chest, and a big "PM" on Jerome's. But I can't sew, so I used electrical tape. It shows up real nice on the gray sweats and there is no sewing involved. I figure we'll make a good livin' at it, 'cause if we stop a bank robber, we'll return the cash minus 10 percent. This will be our fee. The bank will get the cash back, the cops will get their man, and we get paid...and that's what it's all about. Gettin' paid. I get to Jerome's and we get suited up to do our first crime-stoppin' gig! We get no farther than a block down the street when I eye a suspicious man at the 7-eleven. I know he's gonna rip it off, 'cause he's got "that look" in his eye. So we go right in and stand facing the man with our hands on our hips and I say sumthin' clever like, "Your days of evil doing are over...evil doing thief!!!" Then I shoot a super powered loogy at him from my steroid powered nostrils. A small glob of snot shoots out and flips down and lands on my upper lip. At this the man knows we're onto him, so he pushes me with one hand and I go flyin' into a shelf and fall down, because I'm not really very strong. A bag of mini-powdered donuts falls on my head. That's when Jerome takes over. I was so proud a small tear formed in my eye! Jerome leaps at the man's leg and bites the man's ankle. I told him we was gonna take a bite out of crime, I guess he took me word for word. Then the evil-doer picks up Jerome and throws him out the window, 'cause he only weighs about 40 lbs, on account he's a crack head. While all this was a-happen'in, I grabbed the man's wallet and go runnin' out the store. Jerome see's me runnin' down the street and he gets up and follows...soon we lost the man chasing us, 'cause he's fat and he tires easy. To bad he never had a chance to use my diet program...to bad for crime! We make it home and count the loot. Thirty bucks. Seven eleven must of had a slow night. We figure 10 percent must be about 10 bucks, but we ain't gonna return it anytime soon. We figure we'll wait for the next crime stoppin' adventure (which I'm sure will pay much more), and then return the other twenty. And now you know! COMING NEXT: Watch out "Evil Doers," Chronice Cold and Puke Man are on your trail! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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