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Ask Bob!
Song in my head: "...well I'm not the world's most passionate man, but I know what I am, and I am a man, and so is Lola..." - The Kinks - Sorry the columns a little late again, but if your anybody who knows anything or anybody, then you know last week I got some super strong sinus steroids; as a result, I have the most powerful sinuses in all the land. I had decided to recruit my good friend Jerome (who is always sick), and together we would use our powers of sickness against the forces of evil! It just so happened that Jerome wasn't sick when I called him to tell him about our super-partnership, so I was on my way to get him sick. If you don't know my plan then you'll just have to read last weeks column and find out 'cause I'm just too damn lazy to tell the story again. So I'm on my way out the door to get Jerome sick and the old lady grabs my by the back of the collar. "NOT SO FAST!" She says. "You gotta stay home and hand out candy to the little trick or treaters, I'm takin baby-gurl to my Moms house to trick or treat." "But..." I stammer. "But nothing, sit your ass down and wait for that doorbell." And at that, she walked out with the kid. "This is all so strange," I think to myself. For those of you who haven't been reading this column since 2000, when we started this web site, me and my old lady were in college - living together - in sin. We had an apartment in the rat-trap ghetto of Tallahassee, Florida, where we dodged the bullets from local drive bys, and we had no money 'cause I was the only one working. Needless to say, no one came to our neck of the woods, I mean ghetto...'cause it's a ghetto. So now we both got the college degrees, so we're not poor anymore, we got married, and we got the new baby-gurl, who is now 17 months old. We moved back to Omaha, NE (where we are both from), where we spend a good deal of spare time dodging bullets from the Omaha Police (on account that we is darkies). But I shouldn't be so critical, the Omaha Police haven't shoot a darky for over a year now. So any ways, some things have changed and some things haven't. I forgot why I was even telling you all this...oh, yes. Those fucking trick or treaters. I got an idea that if I put a porn flick in the VCR and turned it up real loud, the parents of the kids wouldn't let them come to our house and I would be free of the burden to feed those snotty nosed kids, out in 50 degree weather, to get a fuckin' free snickers bar. So the whole thing back fires. The doorbell was ringin' off the hook. Turns out nobody went out with their kids. I looked out the window, only to see about 50 crowed around my window, trying to get a quick glimpse of Sarah as she played her roll as a Chinese handcuff. So I had to turn the tape off. Then I remembered about another tape I had. A cassette tape we bought when we moved to Omaha. It's called, "Sounds of the Ghetto." It's for people who "moved on up," but miss the relaxing sounds of police sirens, 3 in the morning parties, and drive by's. So I put on my favorite track called, "I axed you a question!" I don't know how they do it, but they make it sound like an argument is coming from your neighbors apartment. In this one, the female is screaming all sorts of things in a high-pitched schrill, but never answers the man's question. So between her frantic rants, he comes back...louder and louder with, "I axed you a question...I axed your a question..." The fun goes on forever and ever. Just for effect, I also went out and parked the car on my lawn. Well this did the trick, kids though we was a ghetto couple having the argument of our lives and not a one came back! Finally I get some peace and I commence to write it all down in this article. And now you know! COMING NEXT: Hey, do we get to fight some crime yet! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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