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Ask Bob!
Song in my head: "Let's get retarded in here, let's get retarted in here, Let's get retarded in here, let's get retarted in here..." - Black eyed peas - Another song featured by "Black eyed peas?" I can't help it the best shit I've heard since Parliment, Sly and the Family Stone, and Funkadelic (the George Clinton group from the seventies not the style). That's just how much I like the album Elephunk! So there. Brenda asks: I read your piece on dogs eating shit Any ideal how to break them from doing that? Dear Brenda, Thanks for reading the column and going into the archives to read past colums! I'm very flattered! I don't know why, but Stephen and Melissa get tons of traffic and email about their coluimns, but I just get a smidgen of the traffic that they get. So I'm happy for each and every person that reads my column. Even if they are all worthless-sons-of-bitches! But not you. Anyways, speakin' of traffic. I went to Alexia.com (an Amazon company), and did a search to see how popular we is. Ends up that out of a sample of 1 million internet viewers, we ranked about 1.95. This means that out of the sample they took, about 2 percent of world wide internet surfers were visiting TheWeirdcrap.com. Or 19,500 visitors are at our site out of a million. I had no idea the site has this much traffic. Then I look at the traffic for the Chick Shit for Chic Chicks, and Hooty is gettin thousands of visits per week, while I get about 15. Yet I keep writing anyway. Anyway to your question! The article mentioned by Brenda was featured on 01/10/03. Click the link to get the low-down. If you don't read the previous article first, just leave. My answer won't make any sense to you unless you read it. It would stand to reason that the only way to stop dogs from eating thier own poo is to deactivate the nano-machines that live in their stomach and "re-digest" their food to maximize efficiency. The best way to do this is to introduce an electric current into their system until the nano-machines are short circuited. Now don't run off and throw your dog in a bath tub and toss in a hair dryer, that would be overkill. Just get a 9 volt battery, you know the square ones, and put it on the dog's tongue for a few seconds. I used to do this to myself as a kid to get a little jolt...now I just smoke crack. Keep poppin' that battery into the dogs mouth until the battries dead. This would stand to reason if everything I mentioned in the 01/10/03 article was correct. Unfortunately it was all complete bullshit. This means the battery won't work. What you got to do is go out with the dog when he poo's and take a sling-shot with you and some dried peas. Every time that mutt tries to eat his poo, give 'em a good shot in the ass. Do this until he stops. In fact, even if he just looks a poop a little too closely, give a good bean just to let him know you got your eye on him. Don't let up. However, be aware that soon he will figure out that if your not in the yard with him, he won't get shot. Not so! You got to watch from a window, without him knowing, and shoot him if he tries to eat the poo. Then he will think that God is watching him from above and no matter what he does, he'll never get away with eating his beloved poo. This sort of conditioning is the only thing that will work. It worked in the past for Communist Russia, it worked for Hitler's homeland security, and it seems to working just fine with Bushes Homeland Security Act. And now you know! COMING NEXT: Oh, but I got too! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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