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Ask Bob!
Well becoming a Christian soldier ended up being harder than I thought 'cause I'm a non-violent bloke, you see. I was confused so I thought I'd give Bel a call. Bel Garion hasn't written a column for about 6 months, so I thought I would pay him a visit down in Florida and see if he can help me turn my life around in the direction of the good lord. But I thought I should call first. Bel invites me to come right on down, but first he tells me that as a Christian I need to loose my peaceful pagan ways, and be willing to kick a little ass for Jesus. Then he says that I need to help other become good christians like myself. I said, "I think I can do it. I like it. It's good." He said, "You like it now, but you'll learn to love it later. Especially when the money comes rollin' in...but we'll get to that part later." "How come you never write columns for TheWeirdcrap.com anymore?" I ask. "I've lost my religion, I've lost my religion, I've lost my religion." He says in a dreary way. "I now know what I must do." I say to myself. "I will travel to Florida and help Bel find his religion...oh joy!" First I decide to heed his call and help other folks be saved. Now, that Jesus went and said that we should get baptised, or we might be last in line to go to heaven. So that would be my thing, I would help folks get baptised on a large scale. That fur-shur should get me in good ca-hoots with "Big G" and "Little J". So I decided to sneek into my uncles ranch and bless all the milkin' cows in the name of the lord! Now folks will be getting milk from a Christian cow. Now I figure that would be like a baptism, only from the inside out! I climb on top of a cow like he was a donkey and I spit my holy-spit ('cause I'm a Christian) on that cow and yell a couple of hallejulla's and holy-moses's and that there cow is a blessed healer in the holy bleedin' heart church of the sacred lamented salad crisper. Big G and little J couldn't be happier! I'm quite confident this act of faith will get me to heaven in an escalator! Despite my great success with the cows, I still pay Bel a visit to see if he can help my in my churchin' up. Soon I'm in Florida. I hitch-hiked for free! I figure now that I'm a holy christian and keeper of the holy cows, I got protection! Not from greasy-Nick, but from the Big G! And little J. We had a lot of fun, Me and Bel. We got really shit-faced my second day...in the name of the lord, of course! Then we decided that if we was gonna do any good, than we should spread the good word to folks who need it most. So we headed for the strip-club. We could do double business preachin' to the guys lustin' after the ladies and then we could preach to the fine ladies on stage. It was hard to get their attention, but if you waved a dollar in the air they would come right on over. Soon we forgot about preachin' to the other guys in the club and just concentrated on the ladies. It was a good time! And now you know! COMING NEXT: I got peanuts in my stool!!! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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