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	Lunatic Ravings Maculate Conception Ask Bob Chick Shit for Chick Chicks Ask Bob A Question! Ask Bob 2003 Visit the Archives!! Join Us!		Ask Bob! Ask Bob! - 08/28/03 By Bob Senitram Published each Friday This email comes from Khitte@______, Bob, quite worrying about "The Man" so much. YOU ARE A SINNER!!! Now what'ch ya gonna do? SINNER!!!!! Dear Khitte, Your email really hit home. I sat in front of the computer and read it. Then I printed it and read it on the couch - studying each word. Then I went down to the basement, where I could sit in solitude and read. While in the bowels of my home, I thought about the last few years, 2001 & 2002. Then I wept, I wept like a baby. You are right, I have lead a sorrowful life. And I know now what I must do. I must change, but I didn't know where to start, so I figured I'd send a message to all the religions out there and they would come and show me the way. The next day I put an ad in the local Thrifty Nickel, hoping my message in the bottle would return with the promise of heaven and peaceful existence here and in the afterlife. I wasn't sure what to put in the ad so I started with a list. Then I highlighted the key words in my list to help me focus on my ad: BOB'S LIST OF THINGS I EXPECT FROM HEAVEN 1. Like I said, a peaceful existence - a good time. 2. I remember as a child, I drank fresh milk from my uncles dairy raunch. I liked the raunch and there should be one in heaven! 3. It was exciting to milk the cow too, and I liked the milk, not like the "homoginized milk" you get from the store. My uncle called it "Homo-milk" so I guess I like "hetero-milk." There should be plenty of "hetero-M" in heaven. 4. I used to work in telemarketing, and I got hung up on a lot. Those folks just slammed the phone right down. That made me sad. As for me, when I have to git-go on the phone, I don't hung-bad by slaming the phone down, I hung-well by being polite about it. So in heaven, I want folks who will be well-hung like me and not bad-hung with the phone, or at least slam the phone down...gently. 5. I like to drive. My first date was very exciting because - not only did I hold her hand, I had just gotten my drivers license and was just tickled pink about driving that car. I was so proud when I drove her home all by myself!!! I think heaven should have that, "Just drove her home for the first time" feeling! So there is was my list of stuff that I want in heaven. All I needed to do is condense my needs in an economical ad, drop five bucks to the paper and soon a religious representative who fits the bill will give me a ring! Here's how the ad went: A Taste of Heaven Raunchy guy looking for a good time and Hetero-M excitement! Well hung and enjoys a gentle slam. WILL DRIVE YOU HOME LIKE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME!!! Call today (XXX) XXX-XXXX Well you can guess my excitement when I got my first call. I was a lady church member too! Pretty cool church that has ladies running the place. I'm supposed to meet her this weekend at 120th and Maple Street. It must be a new church that's just gettin' it's feet off the ground, 'cause the lady told me to bring fifty bucks with me. I figure, hey for eternal salvation...it's worth it! And now you know! COMING NEXT: I go out to save some souls!!! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com     Send Email Archives

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