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Ask Bob!
Ask Bob! - 08/17/03 << late...Ooops!
By Bob Senitram
Published each Friday
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You got somethin' to say?
Get your stuff published right here, by sending a guest column to webmaster@theweirdcrap.com. I think,
pretty much anything you write is appropriate for TheWeirdcrap.com! Just no hate shit.
When you send your email use the subject heading: "A column for Bob
Senitram, because he is one lazy-ass bastard."
This weeks guest writer, is Larry Graves. He has a funny site on the web called Grave Times.
The title is a link, but in case that confuses you for some reason, here's the address, http://www.gravetimes.com.
In case the address confuses you it is a link too, so you can just calm down.
I'll shut-up now 'cause Larry is gonna speak his feelin's to you in a column he calls:
Like A Virgin
I lost my virginity at the age of twenty two (sorry for bragging...) I am not
proud of this "achievement". I was always a shy, awkward teenager and anytime I went near the opposite
sex I would turn to jelly and perspire like hell. Twenty two years is a long, long time to go without having sex.
It is rather weird to miss something you never had before.
I would get so desperate for a true loving relationship that I would often turn to my pillow in the pits of my
despair and pretend the pillow was my girlfriend. (Please, keep the more perverted thoughts out of your minds for
now as I never abused a pillow) I would gently hold the pillow in my loving hands and whisper sweet nothings into
it's ear. I would lovingly stroke it slowly (I'm talking about the pillow here, folks...) The pillow would not
respond. This is the same reaction I get now from my wife.
When I finally lost my virginity it was with a girl from California, who shall remain nameless so she does not
sue me for defamation of character. Lovemaking was not my specialty up to that point. If I had a specialty up to
that point in my life it was probably how to act like a total geek. (A virgin geek, I should add...) She was also
a virgin but there was still a big difference between us. She had a few more brain cells than I did, not to mention
larger breasts...
Finally I was in the arms of a female and to make matters even better, she was naked. It sure felt better than
a pillow. This would be the day I finally lost my virginity (and hopefully my nerdy personality.)
I thought I had died and gone to heaven as I began the ritual of doing the funky monkey. I would show her I was
a real man! After twelve seconds of romantic foreplay I did the nasty deed (someone had to do it and it was my
damn turn) Finally, after years of waiting to get back in, I was home again. I would finally get to experience
what every man loves the most (besides his television remote control) At last I understood the pure joy my dog
got out of humping the hall rug.
I was finally having sex and for it being my first time, I was doing pretty damn good, or so I thought... She softly
whispered in my ear that I was only between her thighs. This did not help my confidence but it felt pretty damn
good for just being thighs. Now, I do know the difference between a couple of thighs and (as Bruce Springsteen
called it in a song, "The Secret Garden") but I just wasn't a professional gardener yet.
After the embarrassment faded away I finally lost my virginity and I am proud to say I have never gotten it back.
Twenty years later I can happily proclaim I now know how to pleasure a woman. Do the dishes, vacuum and take out
the garbage and don't dare bring up the topic of having sex...
And now you know - too much!
COMING NEXT: I get itchy kokinbowls.
Email Bob!
webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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