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Ask Bob!
June from Memphis writes: MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!! EVERY GOD DAMN TIME I SIT ON THE TOILET SEAT, I SIT IN A PUDDLE OF PISS!!!!! EVERY GOD DAMN TIME!!!! How can i get my hubby to stop it? Help my Bob Senitram, you're my only hope. Dear June-bug: Even though I is a man, I knows what you is goin' thruuuuu... Why I remember my poppa on his dyin' bed with tears in his eyes, said, "Patches, I'm depending on you son, to get the family through, my God, it's all left up to..." Oh wait that was a song I heard. Never mind. Sometimes you gots to fight the fire with the fire. And I think this is a time for fightin' with the fire. What you got to do, is learn to do your bizniss standin' upright. I know you can do it, 'cause I done seeeen it happen while camping with my good buddy John Brune and his wife. I had no girl friend at the time, so it was just us three. We went to some camping place that takes about four hours to get to from Omaha. I was riding shotgun, so I didn't really pay close attention to where we were goin. I was kinda - just along for the ride. I was also on a couple of hits of acid and had no idea what direction we were goin. Plus, I was drinking. So once we get set up, they join me in gettin' nice and snooker'd up on cheap beer. Around four in the morning we decided to call it a night, but didn't want to leave the campfire going. So like the upstanding citizens we are, me and John proceeded to pee on the campfire. Next thing I know, John's ol' lady pulls her pants to her ankles, holds and separates certain parts of her private anatomy, kinda kneels forward and boom! She's makin' it happen. She's peein' on the fire just like one of the guys. To this day I still don't know the details of how she did it, I just know she did; and therfore, it is possible. Now here's the secret, most guys are very regular. I'll explain, if a guy likes to take a dump at 7 am every day...by golly, if the world ain't gonna end if he ain't in that bathroom by 6:59. So if this was your man, you would go ahead and pee on that toilet seat with wreakless abandon at 6:55 am. When he goes to powder his nose, much to his surprise, he'll end up soakin' his buns. Tell him you won't stop doin' this until he starts lifting the toilet seat. Either that or each morning walk up to him and pee on his feet. Speaking of woman's pee. I heard that if a woman who is "with child" puts a little Drano in the toilet and pees in it, it'll turn blue if she's gonna have boy. Likewise, if you inject a rabbit with a pregnant woman's pee, the rabbit will die. So I got to thinkin' that if you put a little Drano in your pee, then you inject the rabbit, it'll tell you if your pregnant and if you are gonna have yourself a boy or a girl. Here's how it will work: Blue dead rabbit: pregnant with boy. Regular colored dead rabbit: pregnant with girl. Live rabbit: no babies for you. Simple, you find out all you need to know, all at once, with no expensive ultra sound baby seekin' devices or expensive testing at the hospital. And now you know! COMING NEXT: Don't know, I haven't read this weeks mail yet. Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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